WTF? That effing moving spot on the screen is driving me crazy! Is that a fly? Is somebody recording a video of video? AGGGH?!!!

THEY RUIN EVERYTHING. THEY EVEN RUINED THE COLOR MAROON FOR ME.

Every horror story should start with this.

Whatever. Fuck these people and their fucking gadgets. I'm not here to throw shade on you if fitness isn't your thing. So move along if you watch HoC while eating a tub of tres leches cake. Life is short, I'm glad you found your way to forget we are all headed to the grave.

So what, quit yer bitchin'.

Marshmallows are one of the greatest frauds ever perpetuated upon the American people, right up there with candy corn, keanu reeves, and the "universal remote."

Holy shit, that George Clooney joke was straight up brilliant.

I seriously bust out laughing so hard at the Clooney joke. So much better than the Cosby joke, which Fey already did on Weekend Update all those years ago. But the Cosby joke was about the courage in presenting it in the first place, so I'm totally behind that, too. :)

What does it say about my belief in human goodness that I went to "lazy" instead of "social security?"

That daughter and grandson sure are gonna miss their supplemental income, aka the dead lady's social security check.

Actually, the blog also takes its name from a Bette Davis movie called Jezebel. The choice of the name Jezebel was to demonstrate the laughable hypocrisy in how women who were so-called "Jezebels" were historically vilified thanks in large part to a patriarchal culture obsessed with shaming women for owning their…

But it all relates to rebel hearts! Everyone and everything that is good in the world is now branded as a rebel heart! Everything that has ever happened in the world ever is now considered a rebel heart because I keep referring to them as a rebel heart! Btw my new album is called rebel heart! If you don't like my…

IT'S OK I HAVE CAT VIDEOS AND WINE FOR YOU!!!!

Gah, I'd have given in right away. Pets figure that out right away about me. My ex gf had two cats and two dogs, and they had me figured out in less than an hour. She was all "They may take a while to warm up to you..." and they were all "This guy is ok, looks like he might have food..."

That is a good start but what I would love is for her to shadow me when I'm answering hospital calls for people who are suspected to have been sexually assaulted. Listen as I discuss with them their options. Should they do a kit? Should they report the kit anonymously? What about preventative meds? Plan B? Sit with me…

I would put: