I wonder where Rick Scott has hidden his horcruxes. We need to find them and stop him.

Everything is outrage. Outrage over what this person did, outrage over what this person said, outrage over the outrage... I am done with it. Fuck it. Live and let live at this point. Everyone is problematic, no one is perfect. If Kim Kardashian wants to post a naked selfie, go for it. I don’t have to look at it. I…

GASP. SPRING PLAIDS.

I’m just sad winter is ending and plaids will go away again. I love plaid so much, guys. :/

I never even considered that. I’ll tell her.

Oh shit. Looks like Mama Eldritch is getting a texting lesson tonight.

I’m so glad my parents can’t even fathom social media. My father thinks Twitter posts are called “Twits” (“did you see what this twit on MSNBC said?”) and my mother is just slooowly learning to text. She thinks lol means “lots of love”. It’s so cute I don’t have the heart to correct her.

That’s a REALLY good way to put it. It’s that level of unsettling.

I... what?

Yeah! My profession isn’t on there! I’m unsexy!

*makes a noise so high only dogs can hear it* I WANT it

O rly? r/TwoXChromosomes has nearly 5 million subscribers.

The worst trailer before Deadpool was the utterly bizarre first person shot action movie. If I wanted to play a FPS, I’d go to my PS4, not the movies.

Okay, but the stark, piercing terror of realizing you’re stuck in a piece of clothing or you can’t get it on correctly is real. You haven’t felt shame until you have to plaintively caterwaul for help from the super cheerful fitting room attendant because you’re trapped in a dress. I’m sorry, Anthropologie sales girl.…

Shouldn’t you be on reddit right now or something?

I wonder if that’s why Bioshock Infinite’s villain is named Comstock. The time period is right and this is the kind of shit that happened in Columbia...

New York reports that “the new biometric technology requires you to blink while you take your selfie to demonstrate ‘proof of life.’”

You’d have to ask Netflix for permission for my hand in marriage. It’s important to follow tradition.

I would say I’m sorry but it would be a lie.

They’re just upset that he’s a man of wealth and taste. He’s been around for long, long years and he’s stolen many a man’s soul and faith. I mean, he was around when Jesus Christ had his moments of doubt and pain. Didn’t you know he made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate.