Our Ken’s leg fell off. Luckily, he mostly wore pants, so we could just stuff the leg into the pants and be done with it. But we also liked to dress him in Jem’s clothes, so he was a truly outrageous one-legged cross-dresser. Who also sometimes wore an Afro made of an inside-out foam headphone cover.

Seriously, there are exactly two pairs that I would wear for a Chicago winter—the Sorels and the Crocs. And really only the Sorels, because those Crocs are actually nowhere near the border of nice.

Seriously, there are exactly two pairs that I would wear for a Chicago winter—the Sorels and the Crocs. And really…

Yaaaaasss, Jack Black! I love the grapefruit one! I am also a lip balm fiend with stashes all over my house and office, but since I tried that one, my stash is all Jack Black, all the time.

Based on what I’ve read, I think the towel thing was one instance. And I haven’t seen evidence that she “begged” her boss not to have to go out there, just that she told a coworker on one occasion that she didn’t want to go back to the Avery property because Steven had greeted her in a towel on that one occasion. The…

I kept a stack under my bed like porn.

The Lillian Vernon catalog is sort of the Sonja T. Morgan business plan of catalogs—a wildly unfocused, dated collection of items that I can’t imagine anyone would actually purchase. I would not be surprised to see a sexy-J toaster oven in there.

I was obsessed with catalogs as a kid as well, and my grandmother’s house was the motherlode of catalogs. My favorite was the JC Penney’s catalog, and I would pore over it for hours, making imaginary purchases to decorate the imaginary middle-class home I wanted to have.

I had that and loved it too. We were at my two-year-old’s pediatrician’s office last week and they had one there. I tried to play with it with him, but he just had no interest. :(

Oh my god, that woman has been hired to teach other people how to write??? I feel like I should launch a career as an aerial acrobatics instructor — I’m no good at aerial acrobatics, but I see no reason to let that stop me! I’ll just flop around on a rope, act superior, and talk shit about everyone else’s trapeze…

And also a terrible writer. Putting aside the biases she makes no effort to hide and the shoddy fact-checking, her work is often just incomprehensible because it’s so poorly written.

Oh god, that’s horrifying!

My grandmother was making those lime Jello salads right up until the day she died in 2006, god bless her tasteless soul. I was the only one in my family who refused to touch them.

Okay, well wait though. Strawberry pretzel salad is AMAZING, and I say that as someone who loathes Jello. You don’t mix the pretzels in—they’re crushed up and mixed with butter and sugar and baked as a crust, then you layer cream cheese and strawberry jello and strawberries over it. So fucking good.

I was obsessed with the edam. It was just so bright and red and different from anything I recognized as cheese (i.e., orangey-yellow and wrapped in an individual cellophane sheath). I was also totally obsessed with the cookie pages. I remember peanut butter cookies with grape jelly sandwiched between them.

My son is two. We’re going through a Pete the Cat phase. We just finished our Bear Snores On (and the rest of the series) phase. I recently bought my niece, who is 4, two books that were a huge hit — 26 Princesses and Uni the Unicorn.

Because police unions, that's why.

People with compromised immune systems due to their HIV+ status, on Jenny McCarthy’s unvaxxed status: “Ick!”

Well, to be fair, if I were a part of the Kardashian family, I'd be pretending not to recognize them too.

Ugh, I blew an important deadline at work and my older, hard-ass male bosses called me in to discuss it. I knew I had screwed up royally and I deserved to be fired, and they started out by asking if everything was okay because that was out of character for me. I had been prepared for screaming; instead, their question…

Ohhh, yes!! I once watched an adult male pick his nose and wipe it on the pole of a Brown Line in Chicago.