Those people need to be punched.

Lord, those people need to take a fucking pill. I have three cats and still refer to them as my babies, even though I have a real baby now, too. They all puke, they all need me to clean up their shit, I have to feed them, none of them listen, they break shit ... kinda the same thing anyway, I find.

Heaven forbid you let your child sleep anywhere but in your own bed, husband optional. Seriously.

People really do forget that you’re raising humans, not babies. And sooner or later — college for them, perhaps? — they’re gonna have to sleep on their own, because boundaries. I dunno, people are dicks.

Go on a typical What to Expect mommy board and prepare to be astonished. As in, you are SATAN and WHY DID YOU HAVE A CHILD IF YOU WON’T LOVE THEM kind of bullshit, all the time. Also, they shorten it to CIO. Some poor women have to put in the subject line “CIO — no judgment, please, just help” so they don’t get jumped…

We’ve been bringing our kid to the bar since he was a week old. First, they sleep through everything. Second, I’m the jerk who brought the baby to the bar; I wouldn’t in a million years expect people to change their behavior because of it. Third, if something happens to him ... well, that’s on me. (And we do tend to…

It’s basically insurance that you WILL break up.

So I watched these commercials. Did anyone else find them strangely ... hypnotic?

I’d agree with you, but this is kinda how we got stuck with Sarah Palin.

Shit-spackled Muppet fart. That was our favorite.

I have always hated this damn movie. When I finally DVRed it, long after all the hype was over, I watched it and proceeded to get the biggest fucking headache.

Ah, there’s your mistake. He wouldn’t ask.

I waited until I was 37 to have a kid because of all these reasons (well, that and I never really wanted them EVER AT ALL until recently), and while it utterly upends you in ways you cannot possibly imagine until it happens, you are still you. And you stop giving one iota of a shit what other people think you are.…

This. I never get it. How in the world can I live to regret something if ... I don’t know about it?

You’re a special kind of asshole, aren’t you?

“Impossible”= inevitable. And that really sucks.

PLEASE INVITE ME.

I’m not sure — and mine would have done the same.

And my house is where plants come to die, so I would have never saved any anyway.

Right??? We were soooo happy we hired him. He was top-notch from start to finish.

Also, on your older relatives: PRICELESS.

I’ve always used the garter and bouquet events as my opportunity to go to the bar/go to the bathroom/go outside and get a breather. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes; these two were high on our mutual list of dislikes. My husband knew how strongly I felt about cake-smashing, though, and complied. I had no…

Our DJ gave us a solution ahead of time: Give him the signal when we’ve had enough (for us, it was two). He “warned” that the next time he heard clinking, he’d find the original perpetrator and embarrass them. Well, minutes later, clink ... and he found one of our friends and made her sing a song to us. Didn’t happen…