The dog is hoping the lawyer will help to reduce his jail term from a life sentence of 140+ years down to a more parole-friendly 70-84 years.

+1

Jerry originally planned to tell his story during the trial, but his lawyers couldn't get him to stop following "I plead the fifth" with "grade is the most sexually attractive grade in any local middle school."

Interestingly, the promise of "phantom vagina" is the only reason Velma ever gets out of bed these days.

They're pretty much fucked either way. Keep it almost nonexistent up top, lose money. Really fill it out, and then you're forced to become the Oakland C's.

Joke about Canadians if you must, but the nonviolent Walmart queuing is quite a nice change on Inuit Tuesday.

Cruel story, bro.

Chipper was right along. In fact, he told people to not act all balky and think his words to "be ridiculous cause I'm Larry."

[undoes zipper]

Nice

Actually, 'saac, ripping out one's vocal cords would probably be "vagus justice."

Nice.

Ha!

Missing asterisk? Clearly the Post Dispatch is produced in East St. Louis.

DUAN already? Now Erg is on the payroll too?

00 minus 7, minus 7, minus 7

Ha!

Arkansans are really excited to see Green. After all, color blindness is a common symptom of inbreeding.

Well, at least he's found more success than Yakov Smirnoff did with his all-in-one moving service, Haul-U.

Hey! That link doesn't redirect to Jezebel Forum!