I did not. GQ's restraining order is so complete I can't even READ their magazine.

I'd have no problem with that. I've had to change my name several times after performing. The police get so upset some times.

No, no. It's not like that. I just need a new victim, I mean assistant, for my sawing a mermaid in half trick.

You're going to need to split your mattress in half, then

You on top of the mattress in the Northern Hemisphere, mattress on top of you in the Southern Hemisphere.

The crowd begins to roar "BOB-BY! BOB-BY!"

SHE DATED MY COUSIN MIKE?!?!?!?

She lets him in the house? SHE LETS HIM IN THE HOUSE? Has he ever watered all those damn flowers, or cut the grass every week, even if it hasn't rained and the grass has barely grown a bit, or washed the windows, or repaved the driveway, or painted, or roofed? Has he done any of that stuff for her? No. Who has? I…

Just between you and me and the dirt road, the reason those pies tasted funny wasn't because Rebecca switched spices. It's because she added a nice little splash of her favorite, uhm, liquid ingredient, the one she puts in her "Rebecca's Bloody Marys", which are really nothing but her squeezing a ketchup packet into…

I don't know why she says such mean things about you. You seem like a very nice, decent person.

I appreciate that, but it's not the re-gifting that has me worried. I'm just wondering if those tools had a role to play in Nick's Mustang accident. If you know what I mean. And even there, if they did, they did. That's God's to judge, not mine. I just don't want them confiscated by the police.

Wait. Nick? Did he call himself Nick Slick? Did he in fact have a set of fine craftsman auto tools with Nick Slick inscribed on the tool box and a cursive NS on every tool? Cause she told me she bought those for me on eBay.

You know, I really only have myself to blame. I was driving along Route 10 the day of the sale - it was along that stretch between the railroad tracks and that big hairpin curve right before the bridge - and there was a guy messing around with a stalled out motorcycle. Nothing American mind you, one of those sleek…

Wait. He's dating Cathy? Cathy? Cathy whose lemon spice cake I buy every year at the bake sale and way overpay for it, I mean like $50 every single year, because I'm trying to impress her Cathy? Cathy who seems to get a flat tire or her battery dies every other week and she always calls me cause she knows I always got…

You are so easily amused. It's one of your best qualities, and one of the things I like most about you.

The five best compliments Dweeze's dick has gotten:

You presume that you've said something worthy of discussion. You haven't. You've shown no self-awareness about what you said and no willingness to listen to anyone willing to try to talk with you about it. I could try to tell you why many men, such as myself, find older women far more attractive than younger women. I…

There's always room for more bunnies.

Chris Rock and Paula Deen

It's also among the better things people have erroneously attributed to him