A mom here. My 17 year old son asked me (patronizingly) “do you still have sex?

Ok. Here’s a story. I was doing rounds through the enormous factory. I was In the warehouse looking for “safety” issues. I hear a furtive rustling, so I snoop. I find a little screw shack in the center of millions of pounds of candy boxes. It was made of cardboard and lined with packaging material. Two employees were…

You're welcome, fellow grey untermensch.

I worked as a nurse for a large candy factory. I’d seem my share of heart attacks, scaldings and what-not. One day an employee put his hand into what amounted to a giant mouse trap and lost his entire index finger. The finger went on down the line and was covered with delicious chocolate. An alert line worker noticed…

Microcephalic

I'll sit by you!

Because he knew he was winning. He heard the crowd going apeshit. Because the jockey was talking to him. Because it feels so damn good when all the stars are aligned and the race is perfect. (Former competitive runner with bad knees.)

Pardon me. Seabiscuit.

Also, Sierra Mist and a meal tray!!! I love you, doc. I'm so happy.

No. No I never have and I want you to know I just knew her allergies would include Toradol. Why didn't she rate her seizure pain 20 on a 1 to 10 pain scale? Otherwise, spot on.

Darling! Let me tell you some day about the lady that blew a lung with over enthusiastic ems bagging ...subcutaneous emphysema every SQUARE CENTIMETER of her dead body! Her toes! Her fingertips! Her scalp detached.

Yeah. Nurse here. It’s called “feeling of impending doom” and it’s a real thing. Listen to it.

I'm so happy right now.

I worked the ER one night when some poor schmuck came In anaphylaxis from eating a roll of (I’ll never forget) miniature powdered donuts. There are standing orders for two conditions in the ER, meaning I didn’t have to wait for orders from the doc, but could swing into action on my own. One of these was chest pain and…

That's how my horse spells it

Thanks! for spelling whoa correctly.

Holy shit. Can I keep this?

Here's the shit. I worked as a nurse in a candy factory treating horrific scalds from hot candy. This stuff has 2% lidocaine and is basically water in a jelly form.

I had a SWAN FEATHER. My son gave it to me. I kept it in the flip down sunglasses thingee in two different cars, for at least ten years. One day I flipped the thingee open as I sat with the car door open and the wind sucked my feather away. I chased it, but it went over the roof and gone. I bawled like an asshole in…

If I had a time machine, I'd fly back to the 70's and fetch a case of old timey Chap Stick. You know, the waxy kind you melted on. The best.

If I had a time machine, I'd fly back to the 70's and fetch a case of old timey Chap Stick. You know, the waxy kind…