1. Butter fucking is common enough to be a thing? I have never even thought about fucking butter.

This might not do it for you and it’s not restaurant-related. But before I knew butter boning was a thing, I was staying over at a boyfriend’s and I did indeed find a small plate with part of a stick of butter semi-hidden by his bed. It didn’t even occur to me that he had been using it for onanism and I carried it out…

“To my knowledge, that one still tops that restaurant’s list, just above the guy who dug a hole in a bag of butter and had his way with it before being caught in the act.”

I was expecting way more FOH boning stories tbh. Young, attractive people drinking while closing after a stressful night. What else do you expect?

so when the fifteen minutes was almost up and the woman started moaning like a porno starlet, the whole dining room could hear it even through doors and wall. There was a pretty unmistakable, “Oh God, I’m cumming” in there somewhere.

I feel like we need to get the butter-boner together with the guy who fucked the bread dough. For science or something.

“just above the guy who dug a hole in a bag of butter and had his way with it before being caught in the act.”

So happy about BCO weekend. You don’t even know.

“...that blowjobs or handjobs or whatever aren’t sex... “

Especially late at night. I may be up for it, but hurry up or I’m staring at the clock thinking “Okay, if we finish up right now, I can get five hours fifteen minutes of sleep...”

I think it’s possible to get into that sort of thing, but usually just a few times in a BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIP when everything is amazing and you never get bored. Later on, you start hitting that “meh, we had sex yesterday, can we just watch a movie or something?” point.

Dan Savage is the best! And aside from PiV being narrow and excluding people who choose to not have it, or aren’t able to — it’s majorly eyeroll inducing when someone is like “I stuck my finger in his butt, but since there wasn’t a penis involved, it wasn’t sex! So I’m totally innocent! How DARE ~*you*~ have dirty…

“Business hours are OVER, baaaybee.”

You say that you want some more/Well I’m not surprised/But I am quite sleepy

Those partners who want to do the whole theatrical production..... let’s just lean against the bathroom counter, do the deed, and then watch The Nightly Show already.

“When you’re with me, girl, / You only need two minutes. / ‘Cause I’m so intense!”

Six minutes? Who can possibly get it up three times in a row?

This cannot possibly be news to most people. I’m cool with like, 20 minutes start to finish and then Netflix.

Every time I come across the “going all night” trope in the movies or lit or music, I laugh in my head at the perpetual teenager who must have concocted that ideal. Who ever thought this was a good thing? The same people who put food on genitals, no doubt.