"The human species is devolving at a rate that even I did not expect."

It's the Kinja phantom zone, Jake. Forget about it.

"He blew his mind out in a car....he hadn't noticed that the light had changed."

"No, WE are Traffic. Please cease and desist."

Damn. This is original and pretty captivating. Unselfconsciously quirky. I like it.

"And anybody who was anybody fellated each other with joyous cheer, knowing we were putting the fate of this whole fucking enterprise on the narrow, sloped shoulders of this new guy!"

Are the Spurs too experienced for this shit? Time for a timely Griz obit.

"Shot in the face! Man, I have a free ticket to realize my dream at the academy and fuck people up for a living."

It's so goddam easy for the newsies to anoint people heroes in this country. Yeah, those people who went to see Batman 8 at midnight, they were heroes. Yeah, those first responders loading up on laptops in that burning building, they were such goddam heroes. That axe-wielding hitchhiker? Adorably differently…

Seemed he really leaned into that "goddam" to send a message: Don't stick that thing in my face while there's play.

Dang, you're right. Oxbox does beat hell out of most of the half-assed names these horsey people give their kids, er, I mean nags.

Uh, we launched a deep space probe with a 200 MG computer called the Voyager about 30 yeas ago. It's now leaving the solar system and poised to send back data uncluttered by the noise of the sun's gravitational envelope.

A generation of pampered, spoiled, entitled and self-absorbed people seem to be raising a generation of even softer, sadder, overly dependent spawn. American parent alert: You're raising larvae destined to be food for leaner and meaner and far hungrier societies. Good luck with that.

Oh. I must have confused the 1979 KKK massacre in Greensboro with some other state that sets up checkpoints on New Year's Day so the cops can nab people with alcohol content from New Year's Eve. I must be thinking of some other cracker state where I lived for a few years. I must be thinking of some other state where…

Do you know what this means to the advocates of creative design? Maybe god did work on Sunday.

"Wow! I am honored by such a large, Tiannamen-sized square on my Vienna sausage!"

I knew he'd come back. I knew it. But not on a scooter. On an Aprilia, maybe. Anyway, he's back.

I'm down with the Charlotte JAM. People in NC like to make jam and have sex with their sisters, but you could subtly allude to Jordan's Awful Mistakes.

For what it's worth, the sabremetrics crowd always dismisses the things that don't fit as outliers. And in baseball productivity combined with success over extended periods of times thanks to PEDs, you have to also factor in the out-and-out liars

"I find overly mannered and formulaic magazine profiles to be cringe-inducing torture, regardless of whether I, Dennis Rodman, am the subject when the author's subtext is his own honky-ass fear. I also didn't know he was dumping those drinks under his chair; I just assumed he was pissing his pants."