except for the fact that we have always thought he was an awful idiotic douchecanoe, and we kept trying to tell the rest of the country how awful he was, but they only knew him from his gold-plated penis-lengtheners, and they wouldn’t listen :/

Meh. He’s not really popular in the city. New Yorkers think he’s a schmuck. His reputation of being stingy, rude and a bum when it comes to paying his bills is known citywide.

I hope Pizza Rat sneaks in the penthouse and drops a pepperoni turd on his face while he sleeps.

Trump was pushed to condemn the white supremacist terrorists; he waited an obscenely long time to do so after shamefully equivocating Saturday. And then, once the populace forced his hand, complained that he was not receiving enough credit for having done the right thing.

This reminds me of my favorite David Bowie story. He was traveling to New York aboard the QE2 with some longtime friends at the height of Ziggy Stardust. So of course he wandered about the ship in all manner of sparkly space jumpsuits and also decided to shave his eyebrows.

I mean, who doesn’t that describe when you really think about it.

Dwight Schrute Seeks Woman to Impregnate During Eclipse

I want to murder your ex.

It’s not the size of the shower. I have a very large shower; it even has a bench in it... it’s still the last place in my house (that isn’t my kids’ rooms) that I want to have sex. The shower can definitely be sexy time, but anytime water is involved it’s not really a great sex time... fucks up all the lubrication.…

or sleep!

Although shower sex itself is annoying as fuck

The last thing I want to do after sex is eat. What goes best after sex? A shower.

So I have this pet theory that one day in the nit too distant future, Chris Pratt is going to be widely loathed. I don’t have much evidence of this, but here’s what I think: I think his politics lean sharply to the right and he has a tendency to say dumb things. One day he’s going to say the wrong dumb thing and…

At this rate we’re gonna need an Onion headline like “Fox News Host Accused of Respecting Women”

Male leaders = totally okay posing topless in official photos.

omg that sounds so exciting. i wonder who will win...?

You’re on fire!

I mean, to defend business leaders a bit, this is also not how you run a business.

This administration is a disaster. It’s a disaster for a whole host of reasons, of course, but just operationally, it’s a disaster because no one knows how to run a government.

Gone is Anthony Scaramucci, the humble public servant the country met just last week, who sacrificed the luxuries of Wall Street to serve his country as the new White House press secretary.