Whoobs?

There must be a f*cking owl loose somewhere on the internets.

True story:

I rewrite popular songs as songs about my cats and sing them to them constantly. My favorite is a song for my cat called Meachie set to the tune of "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches that goes:

My weird single habits are definitely food related. I'd be totally happy living on bread, cheese, hummus, tinned oysters (I know this is a weird one), eggs, avocados, apples, and like some chocolate. That and endless red wine. I've realizing after living with dudes that they do not consider constant light snacking…

One of my favorite 'single and living alone' memories is a bottle of chardonnay and a sudden overwhelming desire to get in shape. I had my hula hoop that I'd ordered after I went to Bonnaroo and decided that was my thing (it wasn't), so I picked it up and choreographed an entire workout routine in my living room. It…

And here's a recent example... Man has sketchy job that his otherwise-perfect significant other cannot abide by. Man refuses to quit job; it is a shitty job that chips away at his self-worth, which is in desperate need of repair. S/O tries to support him but Man lashes out. S/O, fed up with Man, leaves him at the…

I used to bake a cake then cut off one teeny tiny piece after another, standing up, until half the cake was gone.

Sometimes I'll do my hair in Princess Leia buns and boss the cat around.

I'm pleased this person came here to suck, because you subsequently blessed us with this gif.

dude this gif is everything

Hmm... is joke?

i have a stuffed animal platypus from the early 90s that i have fabricated an entire personality for. he has a boomerang business on ebay, hates junk food, gets frequent ear infections, and loves selena gomez. i know...im a sick person. but i love him!!

I say really sarcastic things to commercials. Out loud. Like full out mocking them. And then I laugh, because I'm hilarious. It's really tragic.

I have a habit in the morning of turning on the shower, and while waiting for the water to warm up, I poop. I poop in the toilet, by the way... not in the shower, if you guys needed that clarification. Anyways, because I don't want to flush and make the water boiling hot (which I have no idea if this is even the…

Always waxing my 'stache while watching Seinfeld.

I fart with wild abandon and laugh at the noises. I fart as I high kick. I fart while plié-ing. If I'm laying down, I stick my butt high up in the air and fart. I'll fart when I'm far enough into the relationship, but not with the same gusto.

2 main ones:

Best. Boyfriend. Ever.