Has anyone ever wondered if this hideous, Twilight Zone-esque timeline of the past few years is really a comatose dream? That all of these bizarre events are really your subconscious trying to provoke your consciousness, even comatose, into recognizing that these events are unreal, implausible, and that you’re truly…

Ben will have some helpful motivating criticisms for him on his radio show this week, and that’ll fix everything.

These guys fight with the skill and grace of three sleepy manatee trying to fuck a beach ball.

Neymar runs around, is mobbed by teammates, he jumps in the air, revels in the cheers and then goes back to get the ball so he could celebrate again all for nearly a minute after scoring and that’s “barely celebrates”?

“[Tyreek Hill] is so small and black, if you squeeze him really hard he’ll turn into a diamond”

And on behalf of users, I would just like to point out take making users periodically reset their password is no longer considered good security practice, so stop doing it maybe you wouldn’t have so many people locking themselves out.

“IT, for constantly unlocking my computer”

Sir. No.

There’s something incredibly impressive and admirable when a player overcomes his own recovery and becomes viewed in the context of “just” an athlete, not a “comeback story” or anything of the sort. I would think most athletes vastly prefer the latter to the former; for example Jon Lester is now more well-known as an…

Real talk - this was simple and elegant. Thank you. 

I agree that the person who should be most offended by all of this is Tommy John

Also, Tommy John only ever hurt his arm once, and the surgical procedure named after him heals arms.

It was the Broncos-Panthers game to open the season after their Super Bowl matchup. Newton looked great early on and then Von Miller and co unloaded on him with the refs blatantly ignoring everything.

The only thing I hate more than people over reacting to real satire is people using fake satire as an excuse to be racist.

to be fair, “Jon Gruden knows how to game plan against the Chiefs. Hit them early and often! Hit them while they’re down! Break their spirit! Oh, wait. That’s not Gruden’s game plan, that’s Tyreek Hill’s Guide to Parenting” reads like a comment on this very website. All it needs is a subtle mention of being a lawyer.

My dad says it’s because he’s a quitter and only cares about collecting a paycheck instead of winning.

Gravity finally gets its sweet revenge on Newton. 

He’s got the yips, and when a quarterback has the yips, there is only one thing left to do.

Enjoy hell.

Turning into salt? That’s asking a Lot.