Police were able to easily apprehend Cousins, who apparently blew out both knees and Achilles on his way to take the shot.

“the recording was made last Friday, when she and her son were at a trampoline park.”

Settle down, Christy. Boogie’s not shooting anything for at least a year.

“AS IS THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT!” -B. Haisley

Be careful, Jadeveon. Rumor has it, dolphins don’t always return the favor asking for consent.

If there’s a pit in Indiana, we all know who to call.

Brandon Weeden outlasted Luck. This timeline man

I was stoned and it sounded good. Shut up and stop trying to be petty because you’ll never get there. Now let me rest in peace.

It doesn’t even look like they included the best machine - it pays every time:

YEAAAAAAAAAH

That’s because it’s so common they’d never get anything done if they checked on all the kids who got laid out. There’d be no time for growth. No time for teaching. No time for going with your gut. No time for liking the cut of someone’s jib. No time to double-down. No time to fourth meal. No time to just do it. No…

We got a new coach my senior year of HS who instituted a drill where two players lined up 10 yards apart, and one would run full-speed and tackle the other who stood dead still with their arms straight up in the air. Now that I think about it, that guy should probably be in jail.

He is awfully sensitive for someone whose entire career consists of being a giant meany.

Someone with no kids voluntarily joining a two-day road trip with a family that includes 1- and 4-year-olds is one of the craziest fucking things I’ve ever heard. After about hour eight, he’ll probably call ahead to a urologist in Florida and schedule a vasectomy before even returning home to Chicago.

Your grandpa sounds like a pretty cool guy

You okay, man? Need a glass of water or something?

Why, do the boxes taste better? 

The soccer comments are dickish because Billy has been told the same complaints about his writing over and over and over for years - enough with the ridiculous paragraph-long run-on sentences, the use of fourteen paragraphs to make an incredibly banal point that could have been made in two sentences, the constant…

Rob Gronkowski says he couldn’t sleep for weeks after a fairly routine hit in the Super Bowl

I just re-joined Twitter like a month ago after a multi-year absence, and barely use it, but this whole situation has delighted me to no end.