You honestly think if the wait staff were parents, they would be totally fine with someone changing a baby's diaper in their dining room? They would be okay with it if someone called the health department, the restaurant was shut down temporarily or permanently and they lost their jobs, making it difficult to keep…

Miley Cyrus doesn't strike me as the type to do research on animals before she snaps them up.

Uh, I know an alligator is a wild animal that eats meat. Raccoon, deer, skunks, humans, it's all the same to them. Alligators do not bow down before the Baby Altar, they don't give a shit how old their prey is. If you get into their territory, they will probably attack, so you know, stay the fuck out of restricted…

Why the fuck would you swim in a canal? There are pools, public and private, everywhere! I lived in Florida for six years and neither me or my friends ever swum in a canal. And we were teenagers, so that is saying something.

Fucking seriously.

I was heating up this chicken burrito and, after it was done nuking, I opened it up because that is how I do. THANK GOD I DID!! Right across the middle of the burrito was a long dead centipede. I emailed the company and told them what was up. They apologized and sent me coupons for free burritos.

The term comes from the movie Fatal Attraction where Glenn Close boils the pet bunny of her stalking victim's child.

Amazing boyfriend. I would put a ring on him so fast!

do not sprint ahead

Gene Simmons implies that women would castrate men for failing to open doors

and can't function without a mechanical penis.

Ugh, right? Because cowering in your home and shooting someone to death are totally the only options apparently.

I fully understand what you mean and it also sickens me.

I don't get why they specify the man was a homeowner. Is that a roundabout way of saying responsible white man?

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT THE DETAILS OF THAT?!

Aw dude, it's okay. You can fly to Asia and buy a submissive obedient woman.

GOD JEZEBEL SUCKS!!

I think not having kids helped.

Yeah, how dare people point out the lack of diversity in media! THEY'RE THE REAL RACISTS!!

What is this movie where all white people in it die? Sounds like a good watch.