"I was selected as one of 10 people (out of a firm of more than 30,000) to appear on our recruiting video."

Hear it in Das' own words in his upcoming biography: Pee Here Now

+1

The only thing Oscar liked to do "extremely loud and incredibly close" was yell obscenities at Linda when she was turned the other way to sign at Telly Monster.

+1

Mother Teresa's ambition was always to lead the Far East in mass, cots.

It's a shame, football fans over there used to have a great "Ra Ra" attitude.

I hope it's a complete wash, for Chad's sake. I mean, the sweat and oil buildup will only make his seborrhea worse.

Trotsky: "Yo soy fiesta!" (pounds balcony railing with fist, gazes into sunset)

Despite Spock's unquestionable genius, it was ultimately Dr. McCoy who had the know-how to repair the hull breach in Montgomery Scott middle cerebral artery.

Ethnic Baseball Player's Name Sounds Funny

This was particularly ignominious for Ajax, as the mere thought of 20,000 screaming kids would make anyone a supporter of Trojans.

It made me laugh, it made me cry! But one quibble:

+1

You know, I think if Nightmare Ant picks up momentum here, he could play spoiler in the Iowa Caucuses. Family values voters could respond to his ability to breed and multiply at alarming speeds.

Ferran Adria, upon hearing this, looked forlornly at his oyster and marzipan foam paella and dumped it in the trash.

I hope he had more luck than when Rabbi Schneerson tried to quell the Crown Heights riots by throwing a bucket of foreskins off an Eastern Parkway rooftop.

Dear Taylor Young,

That's so Vane. He probably thinks this scandal's about him.

"Must have dark green or red casual clothing to wear. Event will last all evening" is usually how I advertise my family's holiday party to prospective dates, but I have to add the caveat "must tolerate loud noises and crowds and knee-jerk islamophobia."