I love James. I still miss Craig all the time but James is the best thing about Late Night now.

When one giant asshole monster stops crushing the city because another giant asshole monster attacks it, you don’t need to “feel” for either one of them. Just step out of the way and hope they kill each other.

I dislike Trump. Ted Cruz scares me shitless. Most Dominionists do.

“These clothes aren’t going to excite me. They’re clothes for Katy Perry to wear,” he told me.

Abraham: The original asshole.

I will always think of it as the near anniversary of Leonard Nimoy’s passing....

Dominionist Christians respond to power...not facts or truth.

This is the type of case that just screams for Judge Judy.

The Cousins who do the kitchen remodels are infinitely hotter. My love for Genevieve Gorder was replaced with burning jealousy once I found out she was dating the beefy one because...*forehead sweat wipe*....damn.

On the bright side, we now know who E-Harmony would match up to Pharma-douche.

He’s a goddamn 9 foot tall ginger in a country of tiny asians. They’re probably wondering if he’s going to wreck their city with his flaming ginger breath.

He’s thirsy for FREEDOM!

Does the world really need another J. Timberlake?

I think it’s best to get these types of attacks answered now because you know...KNOW...that tiny dicked, little he-turtle, Dominionist Cruz will go there the first chance he gets if he wins the nomination.

Translation:

There’s no excuse, Alyssa. You host Project Runway Allstars so I know you have gay friends. Just no, gurl.

I’m not sure who the guy in the blue sweater is but he’s kind of adorkable.

Goddamn straight people.

Then buy a jeep. I bought a new Cherokee recently and the UConnect crap they pass off as technology is embarrassing.

I’m sure she appreciates the free publicity too....