Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

Maryann Johanson has some THOUGHTS

Clothing with names is the #1 thing that prevents us for returning it or consigning it

“Clothing with names is the #1 thing that leads to kidnapping”

Where can I find that sweater wrap housecoat thing?!? I want to wear it and watch Netflix.

We were at the pet store this weekend and I saw it was wheatgrass and told Allen that people put it in their shakes so it is totally okay for me to eat it. And the pet store lady said "it's probably good for you, too" and then Allen said "Mark, do you have your VISA? I am not paying for this."

"But I want to get married!"

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

I like to tell myself I am not insane concerning my relationship, no way am I like Mark, but then I try to measure the cat to decide which hot dog costume I need to order and I put Easter bunny stickers on my boyfriend's phone and he LEFT them there. They're still there. HE LOVES ME AND WILL LET ME HOTDOG THE CAT and…

Fighting Polish and me IRL rn

UPDATE

LIES! SLANDER! LIBEL!

GUYS if you made it this far down the thread, moriarity is actually very sweet IRL and not like her persona at all lol lol lol she’s going to be so mad at me

GET IN LOSER, WE’RE GOING SHOPPING

Right? I mean she bought SEVEN LIMES on a tight budget.

One out of my vagina and one ripped out of my guts after I was sliced open while awake. This will never stop blowing my mind.

Meh. One of my friends just had a baby and he looks exaaaactly like the father, who is kind of a doofus and I don’t really care for him or for how much my friend has changed since they got together. I’m super happy for her because she’s over the moon in love with this baby, but every time she posts a photo...the…

I keep a few of my more absurd friends on my feed for exactly this reason. Sometimes I need a little shade with my coffee to start the day right.

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of butts. I don’t have kids and I don’t want kids and I don’t really like kids but I do my best to nod along supportively when people talk about their kids or show me pictures or whatever because that is basic human courtesy and also I guess it’s really nice that people love their kids? It’s…