This is really one of those golden opportunities for me. I mean, what if I call and we really hit it off? I’m just saying what if MY call is the ONE CALL he answers out of thousands and we vibe. I feel like we would vibe, me and Jimmy Butler the professional basketball star. It would probably start slow. Like he’d…

What an idiot. Dude leaves the Bulls and then wants beef.

Catchers shouldn’t have to throw to 1st for a dropped third strike, takes too much time. To move the game along quicker, they should be able to just point their fingers at the batter, like a gun, and make “pew pew” noises. If they got them, they have to pretend they’re dead. It’s the rules.

dude’s legs look two pissed off aliens that aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.

I’m not impressed. All you have to do to be good at this is face the other way.

Give it time.

“Hailing from Parts Rapidly Gentrifying...”

I find this promotion strange. Wasn’t the whole point of building that new stadium so white people can run away from non-white people?

Having listened to the attached clip I believe the targets of his ire was as follows: The English language, the person in charge of mic levels on First Take, and everyone waiting for their car to get fixed across America.

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

“I wanted to give him a chance. He seemed like a real winner, but this has gone too far.” - At least one of my uncles.

Falcon McFalconface will be traded at the deadline for Pigeon McPigeonface and Edwin Jackson.

Its the Braves, if they don’t like the results, they can always take it back.

OH MAN THIS REMINDS ME OF THIS ONE TIME IN COLLEGE WHERE WE WERE DOING FIREBALL SHOTS OUT OF PEOPLE’S POO-HOLES (ANUSES) AND SOME WISECRACK THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE LMAO TO SET ONE ON FIRE. WHEN I SAW THAT GAPING MAW OF FIRE, TEQUILA, AND A SMALL DINGLEBERRY I THOUGHT “NO WAY BUT THIS IS COLLEGE AND THERE IS NO…

I just like that something like “[The reports of Trump’s belief that Vince McMahon was murdered by a televised limo explosion] got blown out of proportion” is a thing that has to be said.

The guy that came to test him was drinking too.

I don’t want to enable a criminal but your can usually find someone who’s willing to take a breathalyzer for you, especially for money. If you read this, Michael Floyd, it’s in Craigslist. Search “Blow Jobs.”

I believe that’s called a ‘Long Island Kombucha’.

That is an actual thing on Everest. It’s located on the other side in communist China. The only thing is, it’s overcrowded with bros who just took up mountaineering a few months ago and now act like they know everything there is to know about mountain climbing.

Shut the fuck up, Zaphod