Baby looks like it’s wearing a Lucha Libre mask!

My wife and I have a newborn. After six weeks (honestly, after like two), she was bored out of her mind. Feed/change/feed/bath/nap/feed is exceptionally time consuming but boring (all those hours in a chair nursing are like a time suck).

On a trip to Australia, a girlfriend and I landed in Sydney and through a mix-up, were dropped off at the wrong hotel. As it wasn’t too far, we decided to just schlep our luggage to the correct place. Three different groups asked us what happened and if we wanted to go for a drink (guys & girls). It was 830 in the…

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want this to be real. She is my representative and is terrible. She is anti-choice, pro-war, pro-gun, and refuses to actually meet with constituents unless you are a big donor. She now fancies herself as someone with a heart because she has been championing human trafficking legislation. But I…

Next year’s campaign slogan: Pick a winner!

My son’s nanny is from Peru. She’s been with him about two years now, from when he was 18 months. He’s pretty fluent (and also blond!), and his little squeaky Spanish just slays me. But I have to spy on them while they speak it together, because he won’t speak it with me! When Gladys comes he switches right to…

OMG my mom (figuratively) beat this into me as a child: you must never be dependent on anyone else for anything. Always take care of yourself. Always be able to support yourself.

Hey racist Trashbag - LEARN SPANISH!

How to start your day like Mocena:

One unfortunate visit to family in Botswana when I was 10 taught me this life lesson: hippos may look adorably dopey and sweet-natured, but they are mean fuckers, and holy shit they can move fast. Having half a ton of cranky hippo bearing down on you is a way to have a really bad day. Also, they sometimes twirl their…

Why pussyfoot around when it comes to the cancerball in the sky???

First sleep-away girl scout camp, a week long, and I went with a friend from school; we were one state away from home while our families stayed at a vacation cabin, so we only knew each other. It was in the woods but not insane, with lots of activities and swimming and crafts and horses, the whole deal. I loved it, my…

I went to camp in Louisiana, which is of course a whole state filled with swampy things that want to kill you. I was taking canoeing lessons with fellow campers, and we were doing the bit where you purposely tip the canoe and practice getting back in. There we were, all bobbing around in the small pond, when one of…

I spent three of the best summers of my life working at a little scout camp in Eastern Ontario, just outside of Perth. I have literally dozens of stories from it (I’ve already told two here) but this is my favourite:

We had a HUGE raccoon population around the camp. Big families that would get into gang fights at…

One company that I worked for years ago was slowly being sold off in bits and pieces. For some reason, my department was the last to go. Six women had the run of the building and we each had our OWN bathroom...and in the interest of democracy, we rotated use of the executive restrooms. That was a GLORIOUS six months.…

Plush offices with multi-stall bathrooms are a pet peeve of mine. It’s just such a knee-jerk way to cheap out on your workspace! My office is lovely - original artwork, ergonomic conference room chairs, free coffee, organic milk. But when you walk into the bathroom, it’s the same stall dividers that you see in…

Here is the number #1 (no pun intended) rule of etiquette for multi-stall bathrooms: If you are done with your business and the other door that was shut when you got there is still shut, someone is holding onto their poop for dear life, praying that you will hurry up and leave. Please move along. Hopefully someone…

This is an obvious phallacy.

I have bright blue eyes and it looked really good on me. I had to fight the notion that I couldn’t wear that color blue eyeliner at the advanced age of 44, but actually it was far more subtle than I thought!

My eyes are blue-green. It looks ridiculous on the bottom of my eye but a little bit just along the top lashline makes the blue in my eyes pop. When I first opened the bag I started laughing because it looked *exactly* like an eyeliner I had when I was thirteen (and I’m now old enough to have a daughter that age). It…