OK. Those twins are super tiny and adorable and I totally teared up at them. But that elephant kid climbing all over mom and rubbing his goddamn butt on her and she's like "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I PLEASE JUST TAKE A NAP FOR TEN MINUTES WITHOUT YOU TOUCHING ME" and he's all, "But my butt itches!" and she's laying…

This is Texas. Federal laws are for other states.

Just over 4 in 1959. Dad gave blood every time he was eligible because it saved my mom and me. Now I give O neg for peds in his memory. One pint, three infants.

Gonna put this here for anyone who needs it:

Assuming an average penis length of 5.5 inches (the first number I found (I'm not going to try that hard)) that is .87 miles of penis. She would need 1500 more men for a mile of dong.

If you told me that was Steven Tyler hooked up to his external life support system, I would not be quick to disbelieve you.

See, I would have written And a Shiny New Rear. Which is why I don't have my own talk show.

Missouri KKK membership has QUINTUPLED in the past few weeks. Lots of awful, racist people who have no interest in Darren Wilson whatsoever are salivating in the hopes this all goes down in his favor just to have a "good/legal" excuse for killing them some black people.

Well played, Met.

Yeah, I can't watch that, just the basic facts of the story is enough to make me cry. This poor man. My heart goes out to him and his family.

Touche, my friend. Have never in my life read "Go on an all-pussy diet to keep your woman from leaving you," though.

I always find this kind of advice puzzling because most divorces are initiated by women. Shouldn't the husbands be the ones adjusting their daily diet to keep their wives at home?

Yes. Plus, it turns the cheater into the victim and gives the cheater the PERFECT justification: "She was so crazy, did you hear what she did to my car? Of course I had to move on - I had told her, but she is clearly crazy. I mean would a sane person take a bat to a person's car?"

I can say, as the father of a toddler, that a toddler's willingness to consume something is inversely proportional to how much the parent wants them to have it. It's like they have psychic powers, so I assume a toddler can slam down alcohol like Boris Yeltsin.

It's one of the things I'm working on currently. It's haaaaaard. Especially when you weigh approximately two Jessica Albas. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

NEVER FORGET THIS LEGENDARY SCENE.

Like, 13 years ago, I got arrested for "borrowing" an RV that was for sale in my neighbors yard. He had left the keys in the ignition. My pal and I (totally sober btw) decided to take it for a spin around the block. When we got back the cops were waiting for us. My neighbor didn't press charges. He actually kinda…

no shame here, only pride: in response to your guinea pig photo, I present my boyfriend's uncanny-valley, animal onesie costume.