Yes, he needs to put his dick a thermometer in my mouth

That’s the face of a boy who is going to be telling this story to his grandkids. “Gather around, gather around, everyone, and let me tell you of the time I laid my head on Nicki Minaj’s chest. It was a magical time.”

Excited eyebrows!

This kid knows what’s up.

OOOOH, I have a story for THIS group.

"No, ma'am, actually the sun is going to remain in its place as it has for millions of years. The Earth, however, will continue spinning and proceeding on its orbit as planned; would you like me to ask a manager to pull the emergency brake?"

"Calcium does such frightful things to my bones, making them so dense and heavy. Without calcium, I can live my life in brittle fragility as God intended."

A walk-in 40... I'm crying. I'm crying for the server. I'm crying for the host and bussers who had to put that table together. How does a group of 40 people not have a single person in it that says MAYBE THIS IS A BAD IDEA AND MAYBE THIS IS RUDE.

This is me every Monday at 11.

1. Why are you so concerned with how she spends her money? I mean you made a comment about the price, she explained her reasoning, and you're still harping on about it.

That is beautiful. Nothing ruins the extraordinary convenience of ordering pizza like having to cut it my damn self, LIKE AN ANIMAL. But some people deserve it.

Well, sorry, because you know I'm a fan and all, but "Cilantro Lime Crema" is a terrible substitute for guacamole and an even worse idea for a screenname.

These are all great. My own little revenge was during my time at Dominos, when I was running shifts, which usually meant making and cutting the pizzas. If someone was an asshole on the phone, I'd simply use the least amount of pressure when cutting their pizza. It'd indent the cheese and make it look cut…

I love that you changed your username specifically for this. For what it's worth (and because a lot of people are commenting about this), I'm pretty sure that's a cilantro-lime crema, not guac.

With exquisite disdain, touched with the slightest sense of pity, he answered "On a grill."

Can we have a round of applause for all of the awesome managers this week? There is nothing more satisfying than a manager that has your back when a customer is being an asshole.

THIS GUACAMOLE IS THE INCORRECT COLOR.

This list does not include Baby Lips and I am unhappy about that.

This list does not include Baby Lips and I am unhappy about that.

I did break up with a guy once because he was too picky. The final straw? When I made breakfast burritos while he was still sleeping, and once awoken to a full breakfast waiting for him, stated "I'm not eating that. There might be something I don't like in it."

Pork Wine. The OTHER white wine.