Has anyone tried following through with the phone sex line, like, to the point of giving a credit card number and reaching an “operator,” to make sure it’s definitely not an Easter Egg?

Exclusively? To the exclusion of what, exactly? Real sex? Fax sex? 56k dial-up sex?

“Hi, I’m John.”

Hitting the sauce at 8:00 a.m. isn’t really my go-to move, but I’ll take a stab at this...

I was hoping it would be Manny. I would have been so happy if it had been Manny.

Well, maybe it is partially a failing on her part, and also a bit of a failing on your part. Not that this is necessarily the case for you, but in my experience, there are “foreplay blowjobs” and there are “climax blowjobs,” both of which feel amazing, and neither of which are wrong on any level.

Yeah, this. I can see it being fun on some level, but only really interesting or useful to people who have some major question marks about their lineage (e.g., people put up for adoption) and want to gauge disease risk or the likelihood of accidentally fucking a cousin. If I don’t know about a genetic link to a…

Okay, here’s a theory. I haven’t read everything the Internet has had a chance to churn out over the last 24 hours, so there’s a good chance someone has already posited this one, but I like it, so I’m going to run with it here...

“Haha!  Bi-curious...”

I can’t tell if this is a real question. I honestly can’t. Just in case it is...

I would not have guessed that this was supposed to be Spock if I wasn’t told by the article.

Yeah, I agree. I can’t remember what the actual subject matter of the joke was, but my wife and I were sitting through some comedian’s weak material making fun of...someone, I guess...and I remember saying to my wife, “Y’know, I don’t even need to make a decision as to whether or not this offends me. I’ve been…

Yup, that’s a pretty good example. When your “best” answer to a question like that is, “I’ll do whatever the committee wants,” knowing full well that a Republican-led committee is never, ever going to call for a real investigation, then what you’ve given is a non-answer that has only the barest patina of actual…

Yeeeeah, but the allegation isn’t false. Or, at least, the truth is close enough to the accusation that it doesn’t really matter. Either way, you could have watched Kavanaugh’s testimony with very little context and no prior knowledge of the subject matter, and it still would have been apparent that he was lying. You…

No, but in a way, we’re all Gary now...

Every time that man steps up to a podium to speak in front of other world leaders, I feel like I’m dining out with the whole family at Applebee’s or something, and our racist, inappropriate, dementia-stricken grandfather is there with us, and we’re all just white-knuckling it through dinner, side-eyeing each other,…

Yeah, he gets a touch hyperbolic to make his point, taking a swipe at small breweries with: “Now, it seems every city, town and hamlet I visit has its own beer made by locals: Specialty beers, microbrews, craft beers made by community artisans. And I have to tell you, without exception, they’re all bad.”

This is a useful brain hack for when you’re having a super hard time staying present. Just say what you’re doing, either silently or out loud.

1.) That’s kind of debatable, since there’s no way to tell how much of one rationale really predominates over the others. Maybe jail to me is more about getting dangerous people off the streets. Maybe to you, it’s more about making them pay for what they did. Maybe to the guy next to us, it’s about sending a message…

I would actually love that. Like, if all the actual action takes place in the first fifteen minutes, and the remaining two hours of the film is dedicated to Carol standing trial for punching the head right off an innocent old lady, including her futile attempts to explain shape-shifting aliens to a disbelieving 1990s…