Please, somebody counter this with a story giving me faith in humanity.

Yep, sorry friend. You’re also not allowed to go play in the McDonald’s PlayPlace even if your mother always refused to take you when you were little.

Doesn’t everyone?

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

So... if I read you correctly.... you’re saying that Dan Le Batard masturbates to Olivia Munn while eating shrimp?

They were so, so close to not fucking this up, and then I got to the second to last paragraph.

I really hate that he’s so cute. As you suggest, his whole existence is deeply cruel, but people generally don’t care, because OMG FLUFFY TEACUP DOG.

This better?

Take that Brian McCann you fat fuck.

Hannah deleted the tweets because she believes the relationship is capable of being saved, primarily because Klay is quite amenable to molding.

According to the bible they’re doing it right, though. Obedience to god is always supposed to be first, your own child’s life is worth less than that. Here’s what that gets you.

I am looking to hire cooks and waitstaff for my newest restaurant - Punchie’s This Is How We Serve It.

Despair with a dash of poor life choices.

I see her saying more stupid shit in the future.

Yeah. The cast iron rule is never comment on a woman’s pregnancy unless (a) she mentions it first, or (b) you are her obstetrician and are actually delivering the baby at the time.

Fuck that guy. Natalie Dormer is fucking beyond stunning. I consider myself pretty firmly heterosexual but she is the only woman who has ever made me go “Hmmmmm...”

I don’t have a penis so I don’t know how that would feel. Would that be comfy? Like a little metal hug? Is anyone willing to try one out?

Christmas present for my little cat overlord done✔

I just don’t see the appeal of Lil Bub. Beyond the inexplicable cashmoneymoney this furball is apparently bringing in, I mean. What is the galvanizing factor behind this cat?