We're being turned into nothing but abortion machines instead of being nothing but baby-making machines like god intended! Shame on us! Am I reading this right? I wonder how Limbaugh fluent I am.

I'll get a manicure...but no one is touching my feet. Period. That's just not happening.

Is it really, really fucked up that my take-away from this was "Oh what? It gets rid of acne scars?"

I did not call her a cunt. Please direct your unnecessary internet anger to the appropriate party. Thank you.

sexy baby voice

This one's my favourite so far: The Haunted Vibrator.

I wonder if every time the Cruzes have fight about whose turn it is to do the dishes Ted stands up and talks for hours, refusing to allow constructive progress, and reads aloud from his kids' Dr. Seuss books. I can totally see it.

To continue down fairness lane, Ted Cruz could actually be married to a Michelle Obama clone and I would still find him to be the most repugnant, ill-mannered, no class man-boy that currently lives in these United States.

I don't care about the clothes, but if this means their ridiculously scented "body sprays" will die, I am totally cool with that, since I am tired of suffering respitory events anytime a woman doused in the stuff sits next to me on the bus. And yes, I can tell the scent of it. It's obnoxious.

Here's hoping that the "text across the ass" trend in general dies the same death as Juicy Couture.

I used to have a peacoat in that color, but now all I can dream about is cashmere.

So you wanna play with magic

I'm pretty sure i was married to you up to two weeks ago, when you decided to go and get a job and it's basically been the worst thing that has ever happened to me because no one makes me dinner anymore.

Users of this app will be happy to know that the NSA is pansexual and polyamorous.

I always thought Carrie and I were like disturbingly alike (similar name, crazy religious mother, mess at school, uncontrollable rage). But now I'm well out of highschool and never developed telekinetic powers I guess she's no longer my ink and paper twin.

Slacker til I die!

In Alaska's defense, I think all of America shares responsibility for her. Didn't she study in like 12 different colleges in 9 different states?

Can I say how much my blood boils when people pull the whole, "Oh, women hate other women/are jealous of other women" thing?

♪ LIKE A WREKKKKINNGG BAAAWWWLLL ♪

MY COMMENT IS BEING TAKEN TOO LITERALLY