To be fair, Stephen Miller has great hair. 

I thought saltine cracker was kind. At least saltines have salt and they are thin. I would have said oyster cracker, which is sad fat saltine without the tasty salt.

We need to stop calling it family separation and call it what it is: kidnapping.

I tell them apart by how much i want to punch them. They both have extremely punchable faces, but there is something primal about the idea of punching Eric. It’s almost like the reason life evolved on Earth is for somebody to punch Eric in his weak chin and knock out his weird little chicle teeth.

You hit the nail on the head.  

First the charcoal incident now this. What the fuck is going on with lake merritt lately?

i overdose on bing cherries about three times a year.

very soon the only sports that will be legal in the united states will be nascar and hockey.

But what if you say hi, you triangulate, and take out your earbuds and the person you end up talking to is totally boring?

He’s a dude-bro, not a bro-dude.

Quite frankly, president trump would have made a better deal. Believe me, it’s true. He would have gotten these hostages back for $315 million. And he would have made mexico pay, believe me. Now get that baby out of here. Get him out .

One time i saw a bike cop chasing a guy on a bicycle. It was one of the best days of my life

I agree. I never post any kind of condolences on facebook because i feel its more for other people to see that i posted something to that person, which makes it about me. I know that is the new social climate but its weird and unhealthy. I send the person a direct message.

That is a creepy baby.

It would be super funny if they made up a bunch of silly names for the sports participants, or something like that.

Trump is such a monster. Its called playing the lady card.

Snorting cocaine in front of a cop:

I haven’t had an ipod in years. Maybe these comments aren’t so crazy.

After seeing Mad Max: Fury Road, this does not suprise me.

He wasn’t resisting arrest, he was hovering above the arrest.