It doesn't help if I tell you it's a jumping spider, does it? No? Okay.

#TeamMauve

<science>
What we have here is a localized case of The Zoomies, a condition in which, through a complicated series of catalytic reactions, Canine Potential Energy (CPE) is converted into WHEEEEEEE!
</science>

One or both of two things is happening here:

A) You're lying.

...have you ever MET a child?

What about 31? Is it okay at 31?

Serious question: why do this douchecanoe the courtesy of blacking out his face? Wouldn't it be good to know who he is so we can continue not buying his books?

I don't remember this event, but my mother does, and reminds me of it sometimes:

When I was little and living in Northern Virginia, my family would get occasional visits from my aunt and uncle, who lived in Florida. They were lovely people, and I still miss them very much—both died, years apart, before I'd quite…

As an atheist, I'm offended. None of us are running this country. We HAVE actively been RUINING it since the Scopes Trial.

A month or so ago, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. I think I was wearing my super-shiny 3" red stilettos that day. These are sort of statement piece shoes and they're hard not to notice/remark upon.

In the produce section, I passed a middle-aged man and here's what he said, from a safe distance of…

Not only do they dash to his rescue, they usher him up the safer route, carefully steer him away from another potential fall, stop and check him, and then he turns around so that one of the adults (his mother?) can specifically check his wounded tush with her trunk.

If indigenous cultures are eating seals because of food scarcity—and I'm not doubting that they are—isn't it in their best interest NOT to clue the rest of us in on their single most vital food source? It's fine for a single community, even a large one, to rely upon seals for nutrition and clothing, but how could that…

I think you're just too chickenshit for needles, and you're pissed off at the 18-year-old Starbucks barista because she won't fuck you AND because her completely sincere Powerpuff Girls half-sleeve means she's still more badass than you are.

Google will be happy to explain to you why distinctions are made between these three things.

*venomous. If you bite it and die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

Just sayin'.

Thank you. Awful wall-to-wall.

Anyone else immediately think of Patton Oswalt's terrific bit "Great Food is Cooked by Psychos"?

From four years ago. This gets more and more amazing all the time.

He tweeted this the day of the attack. Seriously. Yes. Seriously.

I think that if I hadn't seen the word "Eskimo," I would have just thought of these as part of a fantasy shoot inspired by a mishmash of tribal cultures—much like how the standard Renaissance faire/fantasy convention uniform (you know the one: billowy white tunic/vest/breeches/boots for the fellas, shoulder-baring…