Dwight D. Eisenhower? I hardly know her!

I wigged out on Santa when I was like 2 1/2. Easter Bunny? My parents weren’t chancing that shit

Trump doesn’t KNOW Bannon? It’s like telling me that I don’t really know my clit.

You’re probably one of those annoying tourists with their annoying selfie-sticks:

They should have asked him for his SAG card in return.

Whatever happened to those thingamajigs? A collection of pages with words on them? What are they called? Oh yeah. Books!!!

Good luck. My ex ended our marriage, in an incredibly shitty and passive-aggressive way, but I have to say 3+ years on, I am much happier on my own. Maybe you’ll meet someone new, maybe you won’t. Maybe like me, you’ll make new friends, buy your own house, have a great job you really enjoy, travel, and drink a lot of…

Nope. The scientific term is “gin blossoms”. That’s what happens when you’re a severe, late-stage alcoholic. So he’s a lush in addition to being a white supremacist, anarchist, and general walking excrement.

Tried to dissolve a body in it?

This has happened in the last 2 days: It came out that Sessions had 2 meetings with the Russian Ambassador during the campaign, then lied about it under oath to the Senate (that part’s the felony).

“. . . what is he offering up as a solution?”

why do we (white people) always think that someone ELSE should fix the problems WE created?

My new favorite is “Benedict Donald”.

If the world were just, he wouldn’t be attending because he won’t still be president on April 29.

The only moral abortion is my abortion. The only time I do not insult Obamacare is when my insurance is cut. The only time I promote gay rights is when my child comes out to me.

“He is so overconfident and yet so logically unconvincing that my interpreter friends and I often joke that if we translated his words as they are, we would end up making ourselves sound stupid.”

Are we great again yet?

Yessss