Oooh what’s in the box? Is it a puppy?!!

I appreciate them coming forward and identifying themselves so that I can go and stand across the room from them. Not that we’re at any of the same parties anymore...

So let me get this straight: The Donald would see me across the room, pop a couple of tic tacs in his mouth (orange flavor?), start kissing me like a magnet and grab my pussy bits... presumably after taking me shopping for furniture. He’s got no game.

Ok, who’s his dad/uncle? This Watters guy did not get this job based on his “talent”, *humor* or bed-ability. This is just plain old nepotism at work.

Title IX meet ENtitleMent

There should be a soundtrack, an audio clip, of 1000 women laughing hysterically after someone says “Donald Trump”. And it should run on an endless loop. This would be the end of him.

Well at least its not Viktor & Rolf circa 2007

Don’t show it to me. My guess is that it’s a *cannot unsee*. Who am I kidding? Off to google it...

I’d wear the hell out of those Tevas. C’mon, dress-Tevas!!!

Ooh ooh ooh wait a minute... I got it! High heeled crocs! (Has it been done already?)

Don’t forget to stop & frisk the African-Americans

He’s now added racial profiling and stop & frisk to his platform. What’s he still missing here? When’s he going to go full Duterte & just call for vigilante murders of non-supporters?

He enjoys scripted sex? Yup pretty much what I expected.

I get the college 1st year students and let me tell you, if I were to speak my mind it would sound an awful lot like this. Obviously time for her to leave the profession but I lift my coffee mug to her in a salute as she goes.

Or trying to extend the deadline on that extortion attempt.

I smell a Dolezal wig collection in the works so she needs to keep her name alive. Can’t stand her, won’t wear one but I’m willing to bet it will be fly as hell.

And on that note: who wants to buy the contents of my lawn mower bag? Think thatch roof! Well, a more affordable alternative to get that rustic “thatchy look”. (Calling HGTV now.)

Of course I regret my children’s names! I regret the snack I packed in their lunchboxes today. I am constantly rethinking, overanalysing and 2nd guessing every choice I make for them as a mother. This is what we’ve done to ourselves so yeah, next is name regret. I’ll be up all night with this one. With wine, of…

That’s it: no more sex allowed at University of Chicago. Hear me? It’s banned. Now get back to your Friday night study groups in Regenstein Library.

And may she bump into the corner of an IKEA Malm bedframe on her way back to bed.