He’ll obviously get in, but, as much as I can’t stand him (or rather, the myriad people who will line up to wash his balls), he sort of personifies that whole argument about great vs. very good. His was above average at best on the field, but he ticks all the mythological baseball boxes: great leader (not a thing, at…

Sure, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; problem is, these were little girls. But hey, when he gets to Hell, he can figure it out for himself.

No, but I know from a fair amount of excruciating experience (as you should) that the more he boasts about something, the more likely it is to be half-true at best.

I feel like Trump’s boasting about the Dems “caving” definitely vindicates the members of the commentariat who were calling yesterday’s “Sell Out” headline on Splinter a bunch of crap.

Pretty sure tripping a child is, technically, illegal.

He probably thinks a clean dream act is when he has a dream about having sex with Ivanka, but doesn’t wake up all sticky.

I’m pretty sure you’re one of the only Alabama fans who feels that way.

Fear of access reporting has been the norm since like 2003.

Getting paid to slap your name on shitty products that ultimately end up failing doesn’t count as marketing, let alone as a talent. And now he’s doing that same thing to our country.

“Hey poors, middles and...well pretty much everyone who’s not rich and white! See this fist? Pretty soon you won’t, but you’ll sure as hell feel it!”

“May she grow up healthy and happy, and always have a body like a young boy.”

All those parades, plus one long, slow march toward AA.

Am I the only one wondering why in the fresh hell Manny Ramirez is so low?

Makes you wonder whether he’ll still personally endorse Tom Emanski’s videos.

How about when you thought the quasi-cute native animal species were about to help the Resistance escape the base, only to end up trapping them farther inside when it was revealed they were the only creatures able to escape through the back?

As a Christian, he gets to go straight to Hell for committing suicide. So at least he was nice enough to save us the trouble of hoping and/or speculating.

Angels fans will gladly accept a big-name free agent who’s recently had an injection in his arm, as long as someone else performed the injection.

After voting, I can only assume he fucked the horse just to see how low voters in Alabama will stoop.

Well, Orlando is to the left of Miami, and toward the middle.

Are you ready for an absolutely baseless and stupid take?