"In my client's defense, Mr. Arbitrator, missing practices is like missing shots... once it happens for the first time, it kind of becomes a compulsive avalanche."

We're monetizing the same impulse that makes people look at car wrecks! And impacting our options!

If ever we needed subtext that wasn't really subtext to be provided to a photo that doesn't appear to be a screencap on an oversaturated athlete most Deadspinners are probably tired hearing about, I'm glad it was by your grandmother.

You know a team's in good shape when they play Shane Battier for 42 minutes.

I spent more than a few summer weeks at Sandy Creek Bible Camp (it exists) near Brenham, Texas, but mysteriously all of my memories of those weeks have dried up after 25 years, as if they've been repressed or something. Oh well, best not to think about it.

Somebody needs to remind Kevin Durant that it is not he who reduces asinine ESPN outrage-midgets to incoherent spluttering and verbal cowpie-throwing, and therefore he needs to stop taking over the fourth quarter with all that scoring and whatnot.

And Judge Rashomon over there doesn't even think there was a fight. Who's to say? I'm cold and tired. Leave me alone, voices.

It appears as if his masturbating hand has a bit of a narcissistic personality disorder.

Look, sometimes Ted Turner in a shitty disguise just yearns for the camaraderie of his former vassals.

Perhaps I'm dense, but there seems to be a zeroeth problem: why would you even be trying to execute a hit and run through the most marginal of holes (the difference between a third baseman playing normally and covering the bag) with a speedy runner who can score from second easily?

Quick tip: if a mysterious voice tells you to clear out your rural Pennsylvanian field and they will come, make sure you ask for clarification on who "they" are.

I can't believe he jumped off the Latveria bandwagon so quickly.

I can't remember what my first movie was in the theater... Superman I or Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but ST:TMP is definitely more formative, in that I fear bald women much more than bald men.

We can put a man on the moon and fight two pointless wars for about a decade each, but we can't disguise a bunch of semis as movie theaters showing the new Adam Sandler abomination and transport the bewildered morons to their new life on a garbage barge set adrift in the North Atlantic?

You're missing the bigger story, which is that I think after this operation all prostitution in Atlantic City has been successfully eradicated.

Ratings aside, we need to mobilize law enforcement to find the three-to-four hundred thousand people that are being kept in soundproof basements and being forced to watch this in violation of the Geneva conventions.

After the sweep, Madden attempted to watch game tape of the series, but was frustrated by the blinking 12:00 on his VCR.

You're right; I have no idea why I included Mr. Durant, who merely guided his team to four straight wins in the Western Conference Finals over a team that had previously won 20 games in a row, in any sort of conversation involving Lebron or the 2012 NBA Finals... especially where one is stronger, for God's sake.

Turnabout is fair play; just last week Chen mocked Mike Moustakas by crying over a comically oversized IOU.

So the MVP of the Eastern Conference finals is Derrick Rose's ACL?