WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THAT SHOT? Wait, don't tell me... I'll try a mind meld. You were... in a plastics factory in Indonesia... oh, dammit. I'm melding with the helmet.

She was upset that every autistic word-memorizer in the joint kept repeatedly telling her that her last name was spelled incorrectly because it had a superfluous (s-u-p-e-r-f-l-u-o-u-s) 'e'.

And for the extraordinarily cautious but health-conscious man, we sell the matching Magic Belt and Ethereal Suspenders set. But there's more! Order within the next ten minutes, and you'll get the Otherworldly Handkerchief monogrammed with the name of a lesser demon and Eldritch Personal Grooming Set (with…

"The pre-game commentator is getting nearer?"

I just fed all these numbers into my Mr. Owl teaching calculator, and the red eye (indicating disapproval) just lit up.

Of course he's Canada's ambassador: he has all of the forceful personality of Guy Caballero, the ribald humor of Edith Prickley, the cocksure swagger of Johnny LaRue, and the brains of Hosehead the Dog.

Bobcat Marketing VP: "It's nearly June, in the high 80s and humid! Why did you offer 'free soup' for attendees?! That's a cool weather hobo enticement!"

Harbaugh: "First of all, perception is not always reality."

How to explain the paucity of San Antonio-related coverage? Apparently, Ray Stevens' lawyers denied ESPN usage of "The Streak," Chris Broussard still thinks Sean Elliott is on the team because of mischievous multiple sources, and Stephen A. holds some sort of grudge relating to a waiter's inquiry concerning a booster…

To be fair, it is progressive to place to give a radio show to a duo consisting of representatives of the charismatically-challenged and developmentally-disabled communities.

I saw Suppan in a recent game where he was battered senseless (that seems like it should be a Sidney Ponson joke) by the lowly Cubs; I believe that all seven of his strikeout victims this season have either been placed on waivers or were found to be two midgets in a baseball player costume.

Rant, my ass. He plagiarized large parts of it from an 1842 Berliner Zeitung review of the five-hour-long opera Rienzi.

Meanwhile, Mike Kafka is practicing his forehand on lemmings at the bottom of their Alaskan plummet-cliff and is planning on getting chased around by the neighbor's Pekingese.

Sorry, natural selection, you just got kicked to the CURB.

"You missed 16 out of my 18 pressure points, Starks."

"The life of a head coach is hard, Patrick. Do you mind doing a lot of traveling?"

Everybody knows you don't say "no" to Don Logan.

Evidently he supplements his paltry income in the offseason by moonlighting as a wacky child photographer (dollars to donuts the bow tie spins). But spring for a darkroom already, you tightwad!

1:23 @TheRealGeorgeWill "Donald Trump, is, lamentably, to the uplifting of American political discourse, one would surmise, as he was to the continuation of the United States Football League's ongoing comp"

Berman needs less a make-up artist than whatever sort of doctor the Baron employed in Dune.