You cut off the rant too soon...

"Charles, how do you handicap the AL East race? Oh shit."

Speaking as a lifelong resident of the Republic of Texas, let me say that whichever of these fine meat puppets coasts into the U.S. Senate on a wave of petrodollars and resentment, the seat will still be vacant. I would rather vote for the chick from Republica than one of these Republicans.

He was bemused, as were all of us, by Juwan Howard's attempt to block Greg Stiemsma's shot in garbage time with his cane.

But the PA guy played "Shoplifters of the World Unite," and, you know, I thought it was my cue.

I realize that organized, institutional bullying of reactionary Christians isn't the same as it used to be, but to be fair, but Wolfgang and his ilk are still free to jump in any big cat cage at a local zoo to achieve martyrdom after being called out as an ignorant, Dark Ages asswipe.

If you know of a better way to dispatch a talking mosquito issuing you command hallucinations, I'd like to hear it.

I'm surprised that Albert Dershman took the three billiard balls out of his mouth to give him the congratulatory call.

Twee's definitely the wrong word (it implies more ukeleles and whistling than old Kinks songs), but I think I've liked each movie he's come out with less. Bottle Rocket seemed like a breath of fresh air, Rushmore less so upon further examination, and then it's been autopilot.

So Wet Hot American Summer preemptively spoofed Anderson a full 12 years before he made his dumb, retro-fonted camping fairy tale? Well played, Wain.

I always wondered what punishment Private Pyle would have gotten if that mean ol' drill sergeant had caught him eating a banana split after lights out.

That, and the marketing poison of a name change suggested by Commissioner Goodell: Moderately Impactful Knocks Successfully Cushioned by a Panoply of Protective Devices.

I saw them turn to SAS for immediate post-game analysis after Game 4 of the Lakers/Thunder series. Unfortunately, his effectiveness was limited by his inattentiveness to game details, preferring instead to yell at a pretzel vendor for 45 minutes concerning the asymmetrical distribution of salt crystals on his snack.…

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"Celtics Win Game 5; Prepare for Another Interminable Round of Shift-Talking From Garnett."

It's a sound strategy; after all, the owners of the industries that turned Love Canal into a toxic wasteland were immunized from liability when they insisted that all homeowners in the area buy plug-in air fresheners.

It's only fitting; many people responded to human glacier and strikeout machine Carlos Pena's being placed in the leadoff position with "THIS IS MADNESS!"

In true Pro Bowl style, the hula girl on the right went 29-33 with 5 TDs, four of them to the hula girl on the left.

"A Guy From the Year 1998" e-mails via his prodigy account: "Chuck's been in his garage, inspired into a superscientific frenzy by the movie Primer. He's working on some sort of spatial distortion device made of out a washing machine and a catapulting pitching machine. Wait, where'd he go?"

Dear Deadspin: I like to loosely pattern my questions after plot points in widely-quoted Coen Brothers movies featuring Jeff Bridges, but to throw your keenly-calibrated bullshit detectors off the scent, I'll change something like the age of the sex offender's victim. So here's a picture of my rug. Does it tie the…