With all that cash, they could afford a Project Brahe, which involves gold prosthetic noses for everybody on staff.

".. or how New York would react to Rich Kotite's absence?"

Key to the Franchise: Have somebody in accounting skillfully remove a zero from the years and cumulative dollar figure owed to Pujols in his contract.

Skechers helped you get in shape, but that shape was that of the demonstration spine racked with extreme scoliosis that they scared me with in elementary school.

The alley behind the Red Lobster is a good place to smoke weed. I mean, UNLIMITED shrimp? Is that possible, dude?

I take back everything bad I've ever said about Inside the NBA. It's tough to discover that you're just not in the demographic TNT is going after: white males aged 95-119 who hate basketball and wish there were still minstrel shows.

Manuel, that's an automatic ejection!

I'm a positive person and would like to discuss their past success, but Frank DeFord was singularly unhelpful despite his having attended several 1908 World Series games.

Watch out... (squints) Laszlo Panaflex! (I figure this is the quickest way to get individual de-starring before the great migration)

You forget the David Brooks propagandist corollary: Presidents during periods of economic collapse immediately preceding said stagnation look awesome.

"God made Adam and Eve, free to procreate in the Garden of Eden and then incestuously procreate with their own offspring since there were no other options available, not Adam and Steve, although he most assuredly made Steve in his divine wisdom and also made Steve gay, or at least through like of divine intervention…

By contrast, Brooks displays a sort of Fox Business Channel masculinity, which is rarely glimpsed and highly annoying.

If that's the biggest problem a Murdoch employee has with cell phones, News Corp. will take it.

Ugh! These apples are terrible! Have I really been asking people whether they like them all these years?

Inside every morbidly obese man, there's a human avocado waiting to get out.

I do appreciate his candor in announcing at halftime of the Boston-Philadelphia game that it was pretty much over, thanks for playing 76ers, but thank God there was a real game coming up. At halftime of the real game, he announced that he would be spending the second half yelling at production assistants so that he'd…

Tonight, the basketball contrast couldn't be clearer: of course, I'm talking about the ongoing post-game clown-show on TNT's Inside the NBA (funning on Charles Barkley's Parade Magazine article for the umpteenth time) vs. the detailed, sober analysis of Brent Barry and Dennis Scott on NBA TV.

I have a deep-seated aversion to manual labor, but I will be happy to help shovel dirt on the Lakers if called upon.

Of course, the least animated is Umpire Enrico Palozzo's first strike call.

Jokes' on you; with the changing winds on the gay-marriage issue, Kuselias looks to fulfill a lifelong ambition of seducing, bedding, and then marrying Jonny Miller.