Since he's hightailed out of this den of cretins, I'll ask my real question: "John Carradine and John Waters had a baby?"

"Swing Your Sword: How I Managed To Waste $15,000 in Quarters on Four-Player Gauntlet Back In the Day" by Captain Insensible, now available in Kindle for the low price of four cents.

(1) Has sportswriting suffered in the niche columns (e.g. golf) because of the symbiotic relationship between the continued popularity of superstars and the paycheck the writer interested in the popularity of the sport receives?

All my soccer knowledge comes from Monty Python; that's how I know that the Workers' Control of the Means of Production won the Cup Final in 1949 and that the Greeks beat the Germans in the Philosophers' Cup.

The Rangers PA booth has some sweet tunes; they even dug up Public Image Limited's "Disappointed" for each of Albert Pujols' at-bats.

This should go better than his Committee on Mutants with Superstrength, convened in the early 90s to get to the bottom of how point guards could send 275-pound Karl Malone flying into the photographer well merely by brushing up against him.

"Adam Sandler Doesn't Know That I've Emptied My 401(k) To Procure A Low-Level Enforcer in the Lithuanian Mob To Cripple Him For Life." — Me

Too late, Terrell; I asked God to bankrupt you through a series of avaricious advisers, poor decision-making and alienation of affections years ago. I now know that anything and everything is possible.

So it IS like Bonnie & Clyde, if they were armed with Super Soakers and banks stored Styrofoam peanuts instead of money.

No, Pablo, don't stick your hand in the taffy-pulling machine while it's still...

"Why should I give up my tee time? HE'S the one that sucks!"

At least he's throwing some business funeral director Glenn Addison's way: five hookers and one campaign.

Late 80s Onion/Our Dumb Century Headline: "Dukakis Gets 75% of Dukakis Family Vote"

Which just goes to show, slightly bumping a ref and getting a minimal suspension in a playoffs series that will be instantly forgotten is a much more important milestone in ones existence than killing oneself.

Jane Bell as Kitty Pryde.

"Because of his poor showing in tonight's poll, Neftali Feliz has been deported. Thank you to all 32 people who voted, proving once again that true town hall democracy is not dead in our country."

And if only they were alive and supporters of his, James could have easily doubled the number of votes he's going to get in the upcoming primary.

Well, this pretty much dooms his chances of being a Toys 'R' Us spokesman.

In recognition of your years of faux-toughness in broadcasting, we here at ESPN would like to extend to you a laurel... and hardy necktie.

"Dear Bobby: how can me and my classmates learn to link our minds and telekinetically control other townseople? Did all of our mothers need to be impregnated by aliens? Can we just dye our hair blonde and concentrate real hard?" #villageofthedamned