Dear Sirs: To prove to you that my college years were not in vain, please accept this traditional Klingon chant of submission so that you would honor my ancestors with an offer of employment to me...

If he would have just waited until July, he could have probably hooked up the entire paying crowd with a C-note.

Another tactic: count all of the terminally underemployed local braggarts with the faint whiff of alcohol on them at 10 in the morning who claim they were at various key games in Red Sox history.

Hopefully there's a footnote for regular ESPN viewers explaining the bizarre land mass in the center of the country that has no oceanic coastline.

When, as defending champions, you lose at home by double digits, you sell your hair to a wig shop. Don't sell your hair to a wig shop.

Josh Harrelson? On an NBA roster? ON AN NBA ROSTER?!?

It's the mustache, Mr. Skipper, sir. It tells me to do things, like throw away my credibility and to fabricate viewer e-mails inquiring about the difference between Heaven 17 and Haircut 100.

So where's the other half of the Unambiguously Gay Duo?

This reminds me of the time Karl Malone vacated his office as union president, flailing and loudly protesting, except that he wasn't actually pushed by anybody.

I heard that @water blocked @fallingoutofaboat's feed.

Golic: ARE BADGERS EDIBLE?

All things bright and beautiful,

Yes, but consider the turnover rate.

At least Think Like a Man is teaching us the valuable lesson of not taking Chris Tucker for granted, as his absence invariably produces some screeching 4'5" simulacrum able to commandeer the Inside the NBA studio at will.

Not to be outdone, Lou left a "Charlotte on $50 a Day" guidebook with a "Good Luck!— Rod Thorn" post-it note in Andre's locker.

Of course, the artist didn't have the heart to tell her that it was a barely modified portrait of Lawrence Fishburne entitled A Jimmy Jump Study in Lavender #11.

In any BDSM relationship, such as the one between the submissive fan pictured above and the dominant baseball franchise, it's important to have a safe-word or -phrase. Choose one for its simplicity, because something complicated like "mathematically eliminated" may be hard to blurt out in the throes of agonizing pain.

Reporter: "Won't you guys miss campus life?"

I like to imagine that their new gingery spokes-Scot, between takes, alternates between cursing a blue streak at the other actors (calling them "doss cunts") and being hypercritical of his nationality ("It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable,…

Remarkably, he is two years older than character actor Chelcie Ross was at the time he portrayed Vaseline-encrusted veteran pitcher Eddie Harris in Major League. All I'm saying is check his nose for jalapeno powder.