I was 28 when my daughter was born. My wife had never seen me without facial hair, although, in full disclosure, I just had the generic, midwestern mustache/goatee combination, it’s not like I was some mountain man. This was 20 years ago, though. So, since I was taking time off to take care of her (scheduled C-section…

I’ve had a full beard since I was a fairly fit 23-year-old. Now I’m a fairly lazy 35-year-old dad, and I can’t imagine the doughy horror that would be revealed if I shaved it off now.

I would absolutely buy a sex doll, except they are enormously expensive and I still live with my parents. I have social anxiety and was sexually abused as a child, so dating has always been difficult for me. However, I remain a terribly sexual human being.

Look, it’s one thing if you are just trying to live your life and the shark busts in trying to eat you. 

It honestly should be remade as a Netflix series. AND MAKE IT LIKE THE ACTUAL BOOK PLEASE!

Why can’t we just have a faux documentary based on the book?

Her future role will be announcing the deaths of co-workers and beloved sports icons. Looking forward to “Sitting Shiva with Hannah”.

That’s because he’s usually more chill on the radio, whereas on Highly Questionable and PTI he tends to ham it up more.

You went to all that trouble and didn’t photoshop the marlin’s snout going up his ass?

I used to sneakily watch the scrambled porn channel growing up. I liked to think that every once in a while, one of those blips was a nipple.

It had bare boobies. In a pre-Internet world, that was all a man really needed. Damn millennial degenerates don’t know how good they have it.

Chappelle’s Show spoof of the street interviews is 100 times better than any actual episode of Real Sex.

No couple REALLY cues up an episode of Real Sex to get in the mood.

Loved the HELL out of Carmen Sandiego when I was young. Being a science nerd, ‘Where in Space is Carmen Sandiego’ holds a special place in my heart.

“‘No, I said ‘niggas,’” which is different in his mind.”

“Noooo ...one...gives blood like Gaston, writes hits like Gaston, has a neckbeard like Gaston, crossfits like Gaston...

Can’t say why, but I’m not 100% about hiring the guy who doesn’t “need no steenkin badges”…

Thanks to Mel Brooks, at least we don’t have to wonder what the recruitment process for the extra border patrol agents will look like.

In Florida, near Gainesville, there is a place called Cafe Risque. It’s a nude diner and there are tons of billboards for it. I’ve never been in but I’ve driven by and it’s so sketchy looking. Hi, have a turkey sandwich and look at my tits. It seems really unsanitary to me. I guess no more so than a strip club but…