Will these be sold on Alibaba for $999.99?

I am a Middle Class elite. I would like a Bonsai tree drive selector. Thank you.

Yes, unions vs. transgender bathroom rights, the classic “either-or” choice.

One day I was at my cousins’ place and we inexplicably decided to smash all of the windows in their garage. Would you believe it, we got in trouble.

The little Reddit creature versions of them are actually really cute.

No. It’s going to be a mess of the highest order. She’s in love with love and while he thinks he wants a woman who is his better or equal, what he really wants are strippers and Instagram girls to tell hims he’s pretty and smart 24/7. We’re going to have to endure emo drake songs about jlo in 2017

+1 Doug Demuro

There was this snail, who was really tired of his friends complaining about how slow he was. So, he takes all his savings and goes to the car dealer and buys the fastest sports car they have.

Seriously, Michelle is the classiest, most dignified, most beautiful, and quite probably the most intelligent (I dunno between her and Clinton) First Lady of my lifetime. The Trumps are the trashiest pieces of garbage the White House has ever seen.

Classy, beautiful and dignified are all code for white, white and white. The funny thing is Melania can’t be bothered with any of these people and would rather divorce Donald than move into the White House and have to do the duties of the First Lady. Can you imagine her in West Virginia shaking hands with these people…

ESPECIALLY when compared to Michelle Obama! Our current FLOTUS exudes genuine grace and compassion. Melania looks like the kind of person who tries to get the coat check person at a country club fired for “taking too long”.

Good. Actions have consequences.

I do the same with my cat.

Not even a petty celebrity story, but it’s the only one I have, so I’ll share it since it’s super awkward:

I was alone in an elevator with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she farted. I was going to ignore it like a gentleman when she said “woah did somebody step on a duck.” We both laughed and she turned to me and said “no one will ever believe you if you tell this again.” She is one wise lady.

Good thing we didn’t elect the candidate who engages in “pay-for-play”.

For you, being trapped in a hotel in North Dakota during a blizzard in subzero temperatures will be a story you tell for the rest of your life. For midwesterners, it was Tuesday.

I don’t want to Northsplain to you, Anna, but you have to rent a snowmobile. 

about 30 years ago, I got a Jericho Spin Espress machine that used centrifugal force to draw boiling water up through a spindle-pod to make a phenomenal cup of espresso. There was no pressure- the spindle rotated at 7000 rpm, and drew the water up and into the coffee grounds, then out to a domed lid that channeled…

about 30 years ago, I got a Jericho Spin Espress machine that used centrifugal force to draw boiling water up…