“Mother, light my wick.”

I can assure you from personal experience that deep down, your mom is decidedly not Tim McCarver.

I feel like Nancy Pelosi could provide a real spark.

Does your wife know he went to Harvard? 

Mike Pence is just the spark the presidency needs right now!

Please tell me it involves cosplay where your wife wears this outfit:

My wife and I have been looking for a spark in the bedroom, and surprisingly it was also Ryan Fitzpatrick. 

I guess we’ll have to take their word for it that Kim Jong Un scored 10 goals, 5 touchdowns, 8 homeruns and 15 wickets.

LeBron James: [no look] “Pass.”

I’ve written about a dozen not-as-witty-as-I’d-like comments, only to delete them. Here’s what I really want to say.

That pass was blinder than a Hong Kong protestor shot in the eyes by the Chinese government.

In 15 years, the NFL will say this is how he got CTE.

St. Louis Team Visits Washington, Immediately Curses Other St. Louis Team Visiting Washington.   

It was almost a relief knowing that after St. Louis fans had themselves a nice day watching their favorite hockey team visit their favorite president ever, that they received a nice, swift kick to the gonads in the form of the Cardinal’s being swept, to bring them back to reality. 

Peterson finished with 118 yards rushing on 23 carries, and he fumbled on the two yard line

shocking that someone employing an MLK quote on social media did not actually mean it

I’m an adult I should be able to call him Bob (or Dickhead) if I want. Do you agree?

“pay to build us a new stadium or we’re moving to LA.”

This chart looks like an aquarium with a dead fish on the bottom left.