Wouldn't it be Craig Ferguson, not Kimmel? As Kimmel's on ABC.

Finally, a stereotype about women that I can benefit from.

Call them sneakers, for sneaking.

I was insufferable long before 2001. Back then it was insufferable about how bad the Sox were, how they were cursed, and how the evil Yankees were ruining the game with their money. (Avoid noticing that the Sox had the 2nd highest payroll).

Because it is awesome.

Well, yeah. That's step one.

Just go like this. Trust me, it works.

Steal her scholarship money, then devour her whole.

Or "He'd like to meet Ann Taylor"

I have no idea how to react to this news, so ...

I saw a werewolf with a Waffle House menu in his hand

If you hear him howling around your forever 21 store

Probably not

It's going on my tombstone.