I had a mild panic attack at my mom inspecting any of the porn I look at.

I'm going to over turn eons of patriarchy by always pumping my fist and winking at my daughter over my wife's shoulder whenever she's caught fooling around with a guy. I'm going to be a great dad

This guy's right: I do wish people wanted to take nude, and it is sad. He's wrong about literally everything else though

I imagine she resembles a goat like the elephant man resembled an elephant. Barely at all! Goat is just the term her owners have coined for her because they are the real monsters.

or trying to hold in a fart

I think of Saudi Arabia, you're starting to remind me of Texas

Goddamn it. Just the idea of calling people "horn dogs" made me spit coffee everywhere

like I admit it: yoga pants do it for me. Not in a way where I lose control of myself and cheat on my significant other or rape someone, but in a way where my eyes might quickly register a nice ass before walking away. Maybe the author's husband is made of weaker stuff though and is a terrible person and it's up to…

spoiler alert: I've been getting a self-induced orgasm every day for the past 20 years, and I'm depressed as shit

I like masturbating too!

here's the thing: there are numerous people existing at any point in time that I desparately want to have sex with but am unable to because they are in exclusive relationships, aren't interested, don't know me, etc. it's really not that hard to not have sex with someone.

I've spent actually fucking money on this game. I hate myself

There's no way that these emails weren't written by a fifteen year old for lulz on the Internet. It's not that guys this creepy don't exist, it's that I refuse to believe they speak entirely in laugh lines. I formed this opinion after reading "that's my mama"

I'm real dumb

isn't Kevin spacey gay?

my ex just got an abortion yesterday. I supported her 100% and never told her this because it's not my place, but I'd have kept it. I'm not religious, but I've been feeling horrible. It's like a grief you can't talk about because the only people who want to talk to you about it are Christians and mra assholes. Anyway,…

and her last words were "I shit myself"

maybe it's because he is washing off her awful shower twice a week smell

you know biggie wrote a lot of Kim's early stuff, and jay z wrote a lot of foxxy brown's stuff, but you know what they also did? Wrote awesome songs themselves all the time. I'm not saying this dude is lying, but he's totally lying.

when the Internet freaked out about rust cole blabbering about God during his Oscar acceptance speech, my only thought was I'd believe in God too if I looked like Matthew McConaughey my entire life