Things are going to be awfully messy in Bill Simmons’s home office today.

I am surprised so many Christian Broncos fans cheer for Peyton when he is a paid spokesman for a company that produces millions of pizza abortions a year.

+1 guided meteor strike

No one expects a This Island Earth reference!

Have you read the Hilary Clinton Benghazi emails? They’re not a cover-up. THEY’RE A COOKBOOK!

The Wall will be manned by a bunch of Duggars who had to take the black.

And his front office is talking into this:

I now want every Super Bowl halftime show to revolve around blowing shit up with exploding footballs.

Nailin’ Palin’ 2: High and Inside

The Arizona Cardinals roster strategy is like if a country decided to build a superpower-level military, spent a ton of resources on infantry and and tanks and special forces, and then had an air force that consisted of three guys dropping pipe bombs out of a Cessna.

I lived in that ice-crusted devil’s butthole for three years. I thought that Seasonal Affective Disorder was a bullshit thing for people who wanted to get out of shoveling snow, until I moved to the UP and wanted to drink myself into a six-month coma in November because I knew I wouldn’t see a blade of grass again…

I think I’m going to start a website called The Defeated that’s staffed by 30-/40-somethings who read articles like this and wonder why their half-thought-out ideas and incomplete execution haven’t resulted in national media exposure, high-paying sports network jobs, and complimentary racks of ribs at their local…

I wish I was too young to know Avellini, or old enough that I forgot his horribleness. I think the worst ever was Jonathan Quinn, but Kordell’s first game is definitely the fastest implosion of a new Bears starting QB I have ever seen.

The new “winning” Bengals feel like a cheap knockoff of a contending NFL franchise. They should be sold to Wal-Mart and rebranded as the Cincinnati Great Value Football Team.

For the double-Bears nut punch, the Kordell Stewart one was his DEBUT as the new Bears QB. He also holds the personal record for me as the fastest QB to ever dash any illogical but nevertheless earnest illusions I had about the Bears chances in any given season.

This woman makes a compelling case that Mexico won the Texas Revolution.

The problem with Why Your Team Sucks is that it only considers the negatives of a team. Whereas Drew sees a once vibrant organization reduced to a drained, headless husk after mating with Jed York, I see a team that symbolizes Silicon Valley’s history of innovation and achievement by becoming the most groundbreaking,…

The most memorable thing to happen to this franchise in the last decade was Josh Samuda getting his hair cut like a dick and balls on Hard Knocks.

Seriously, that pitch would have made a flying pigeon explode.

I was on a flight a couple months ago, and there was a guy wearing a black and gold cowboy hat with WHO DAT bedazzled on the front. He was trying to cram his oversized bag into the overhead compartment like Brees trying to thread a pass between three defenders. It’s one of those sights that makes you instantly hate…