Seriously.

Mine would probably be something like:

I'm not judging you, friend. It takes giant ovaries to put yourself out there like this. I'm really annoyed at how simplified relationships are made out to be. Actual human relationships are complicated and nuanced—I would also suggest that most people, given the right set of circumstances, would also cheat.

I have been the 'other woman' and I have to say that despite my personal morality and distaste for cheaters, I was completely in love with this guy. He had been my best friend for years, he went out of his way to keep his relationship with her out of our social circle, he consistently made out like his relationship…

Indeed. The beeswax. It is none of hers.

Ooooh, I read her blog before she private'd it after Jez's last story on her. Not shocking at all, but she seems like a very unwell person.

I don't believe in the concept of homewreckers. As far as I'm concerned, there are no homewreckers, just adulterous spouses who break one another's trust and dissolve marriages to be with other partners. I'm not saying divorce is necessarily bad or that remarriage is bad, just that a married woman's boyfriend isn't…

I kinda get upset when people use Marylin Monroe as a role model. I mean, yeah— she isn't what most people would consider a beauty by today's standards... BUT SHE COMMITTED SUICIDE! (just like Plath) We should never idolize people that kill themselves! that sooooo jacked up!

Psst, hey fat kids: you didn't hear it from me, but I hear shaving cream sprayed on car paint can really leave a permanent message, if you know what I mean. Also, did you know your local butcher will sell you all sorts of delightful organ meats in bulk? Maybe you have a local neighbor you'd like to share this fun…

5 makeup products and she didn't include mascara? Eyeliner but no mascara? I vehemently disagree.

Unfortunately such a sweet deal comes with a steep price: Ticket Oak gets to ravage your body for one (surprisingly sensuous) night.

Auditioning for SNL is an invite only experience. And boy howdy do they fuck with you when you get there.

I think the issue is that they aren't inviting these kick-ass women to audition.

I think if I could sum up my feelings about this article in just a few words, it would be that

Miley needs a seat. I'm so damn tired of her. Go away, child.

“That's so demeaning to [the dancers] for somebody to say that,” she adds. “Here they are doing something that's awesome and fun, and [people] shit on it.”

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE INTERVIEW THE BLACK WOMEN that Cyrus used in the performance and get their story. or even THEIR NAMES.

So 4 years ago she'd never heard a Jay Z song but now it's, "But I also know what I like to listen to"?

Uh-oh. He's trying to domesticate her!

Well, it looks like it said "Please DON'T masturbate in the showers" but someone put blue tape over the "don't" part. Either way, I find it amusing.

This entire performance was like something that Stefon had a nightmare about.