I get horribly insulted every time. Love it. I support everyone’s freedom to voice their hatred of me.

“Holy hell, this bastard’s a Nazi sympathizer / racist / anti-Semitic / terrorist / redneck!”

Do away with Robert Evans, and I will fucking cut myself, Drew. For fucks sake, get rid of the highly unfunny and rather uncomfortable Emmit Smith section instead.

(and wholly inadequate) concussion protocol

...You’ve seemed to me not simply celebratory, but also contemplative.

Find out which publication the Great Moments in Poop History contributer writes for regularly, and you won’t lack for Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week section material either.

Bring back chili cheese burritos (to the west), you fucking monsters.

I applaud Taco Bell for being bold and gross

Ah yes, the “I have two black friends, see how unracist I am” defense.

Votto is a pent-up, super-quiet guy. Good clubhouse guy, maybe even excessively Russell Wilson-like positive. When he loses it, he fucking blows his stack.

I would take this story out for dinner and then make sweet love to it, feed it breakfast in the morning, take it out for a coffee, and then text it that evening about a second date.

Looks like the comments are already full of “hey give me a cookie for being so wonderfully tolerant of *insert politically correct thing normal human beings all already agree with*”. Have your cookie, and shut up and watch this to learn about some REAL motherfucking tolerance.

Yeah, that’s a good idea. I usually take...*sigh*...healthy snacks that do nothing for his motivation.

4 year olds don’t have brains like that. They have a little computer chip bouncing around in their heads that directs them to eat only sugar, learn cursewords before anything other part of the language, and beg to watch the same movie 17 times in a row.

My plans is to ask the forest service to install ski lifts along all all major hiking trails in Utah, where I live. This America, after all. We’re entitled to it.

I need a list of all the trails within a 500 mile radius that are all downhill-only. Because the evil being of pure stubborn that killed and ate my 4 year and took its place in my life will ONLY walk down a hill, or preferably, careen at mach 6 down it on its balance bike until it finds a nice cushiony boulder to stop…

Jack-of-all-trades, master of even passably faking compentence in any of them...none.

I’m going to do my best to be mature and helpful today.

Who the fuck even describes tits on a scale?? For me and my friends (just kidding, I don’t have any), tits are either awesome, or acceptable, or rarely, too flabby. And ranking tits doesn’t automatically make males high ranking members of the rapist-enabling patriarchy, sorry Burneko, you goddamn preachy hypocrite. I…

I’m about...20 years behind, so in 20 years from now maybe I’ll be ready. I’m starting Cryptonomicon when I get home, a dangerously modern work, so I may need a monocle for dropping purposes.