God damn, seeing texts represented on paper annoyed the hell out of me for some reason.

Jesus. Normally, these are good and funny, but Rico hasn’t been to any of those fucking cities he’s romanticizing. Newsflash: large cities have diverse populations, sorry that you have to look at unattractive people sometimes, dickhole.

Are you 12? Grow the hell up.

My son is 4, and his diamond-hard cranium is at testicle-height, and I’m probably now thankfully incapable of reproducing again.

I utterly failed to manage any smugness at all. I almost hate myself for continuing to watch.

Can we euthanize everyone on both sides of the issue? It’s fucking pro football. Goodell and the rest of the NFL brass are a corrupt nazi cartoon, the owners sign contracts with players that they can cancel as soon as the players get too concussed to object, and the sport itself is a flimsy artifical construct…

Damn, such a fun movie seems like it would translate well to an open world shooter or something. Except it’s already been done. Borderlands has the atmosphere and landscapes covered. Why even bother?

Wonderful at exploding, you say?

Holy shit, the GIF does not do that video justice. Did they huck a rocket engine in there too?

Delino DeShields? Whaaaat? Is he 55?

Ha, so do I. Peggy and Rusty Shackleford for the win.

...That King of the Hill clip...

It’s amusing that there’s a large demographic that wants guns banned, yet also happily smoked marijuana when it was illegal everywhere. At least Howard partially understands the futility of the lost war on guns. They’re here, too many people love them, and they’ll never go away. Just like weed.

Well, I’m ready to hate him now. And his triangle hair is dumb.

1492 women had ever checked their messages

Women should take baths

Manbun here: the most terrible, awful secret in all of my life is that as a white homeschooled bible-belt christian kid in the 80s, I hairsprayed a permanent fucking side-part into my fucking hair, and my asshole parents never said a word. When I see square-ass politicians like John Kerry and Mitt Romney, I fantasize…

Question: How the fuck did/does the same Peter Gammons get verified on Twitter and have no fucking idea how to use it?

If only enough of us were willing to be eco-terrorists. We could solve that problem.

1. If you can’t find the Big Dipper, you might be in the southern hemisphere. I know, I’ve never heard of that place either.