4 year olds don’t have brains like that. They have a little computer chip bouncing around in their heads that directs them to eat only sugar, learn cursewords before anything other part of the language, and beg to watch the same movie 17 times in a row.

My plans is to ask the forest service to install ski lifts along all all major hiking trails in Utah, where I live. This America, after all. We’re entitled to it.

I need a list of all the trails within a 500 mile radius that are all downhill-only. Because the evil being of pure stubborn that killed and ate my 4 year and took its place in my life will ONLY walk down a hill, or preferably, careen at mach 6 down it on its balance bike until it finds a nice cushiony boulder to stop…

Jack-of-all-trades, master of even passably faking compentence in any of them...none.

I’m going to do my best to be mature and helpful today.

Who the fuck even describes tits on a scale?? For me and my friends (just kidding, I don’t have any), tits are either awesome, or acceptable, or rarely, too flabby. And ranking tits doesn’t automatically make males high ranking members of the rapist-enabling patriarchy, sorry Burneko, you goddamn preachy hypocrite. I…

I’m about...20 years behind, so in 20 years from now maybe I’ll be ready. I’m starting Cryptonomicon when I get home, a dangerously modern work, so I may need a monocle for dropping purposes.

God damn, seeing texts represented on paper annoyed the hell out of me for some reason.

Jesus. Normally, these are good and funny, but Rico hasn’t been to any of those fucking cities he’s romanticizing. Newsflash: large cities have diverse populations, sorry that you have to look at unattractive people sometimes, dickhole.

Are you 12? Grow the hell up.

My son is 4, and his diamond-hard cranium is at testicle-height, and I’m probably now thankfully incapable of reproducing again.

I utterly failed to manage any smugness at all. I almost hate myself for continuing to watch.

Can we euthanize everyone on both sides of the issue? It’s fucking pro football. Goodell and the rest of the NFL brass are a corrupt nazi cartoon, the owners sign contracts with players that they can cancel as soon as the players get too concussed to object, and the sport itself is a flimsy artifical construct…

Damn, such a fun movie seems like it would translate well to an open world shooter or something. Except it’s already been done. Borderlands has the atmosphere and landscapes covered. Why even bother?

Delino DeShields? Whaaaat? Is he 55?

Ha, so do I. Peggy and Rusty Shackleford for the win.

...That King of the Hill clip...

It’s amusing that there’s a large demographic that wants guns banned, yet also happily smoked marijuana when it was illegal everywhere. At least Howard partially understands the futility of the lost war on guns. They’re here, too many people love them, and they’ll never go away. Just like weed.

Well, I’m ready to hate him now. And his triangle hair is dumb.

Women should take baths