You're brilliant. I would hella read a Tumblr with J Peterman copy like this about Dollar Store stuff.

Damn Kinja:

Here you go, dahling.

WHO DUSTS HER 3,000 S.F. OF DESIGNER SHIT?!?!?

The delicious irony of Sarah Palin saying that a television show "needs a punch of reality."

Yah. I mean, I wouldn't try this with a horse or anything. But I've grabbed cats and dogs under 40 lbs or so and either gotten them calmed down or carried them away — even cats that are a perpetually-moving pretzel of claws and teeth. "Calm, assertive energy," as Cesar says. Honestly, I've gotten worse bites from…

... if I'd approached people with the same confidence as animals, I'd probably have had a smoother adolescence.

Just by Mean Girls. Never by a cat!

It's not good to be afraid of cats. The concept of hiding in a room from (or using a broomstick on) a cat is so foreign to me. Even as a kid, I'd be able to calm down angry field or barn cats and maybe get them to take a bit of food, or if they continued hissing and defensive, scoop them up and take them to the…

Often, a very simply, silly and thoughtless act can have outsize consequences and change someone's life in a heartbeat and forever (hello, drunk drivers). Many of us do these simple, silly and thoughtless acts and suffer NO consequences. That is often just plain dumb luck.

Hit me. Beat me. Make me do more reps.

Nope, he lets me out of the attic to go to work & stuff, as long as I don't set things on fire.

Awww, back atcha! Didn't mention the succession of dawgs... the tool who broke up with me via email, the smoothie who showed me pictures of him in Vail and St. Bart's but was using online dating sites to prey on lonely women with his financial pyramid schemes... in fact, so disheartening was it that I swore it off…

Gotta threadjack with some sweetness.

From something rilly rilly big! A dongasaurus, mebbe.

It may be time to start another cake vs pie vs cupcake brouhaha. Also: congrats, well done!

Is there a nude photo of you posing suggestively with a large prehistoric bone?

She looks like an older, curlier, less made-up Kate Middleton in that photo.

I'm sticking with "lubricated" for now, but I could see a case for "moist" to add that extra je ne sais quoi squick factor.

Sure. Can we schedule a brief 5-10 minute phone interview, first?