I'm sorry a can opener bris'd you.

"I love it when you can open jars."

I came to grips with my essential Mary Anne-ness years ago...however, I totally just realized while lost in a fog of nostalgia-induced googling about Logan Bruno that my S/O shares about a ton of traits with Logan Bruno. ANN M. MARTIN, GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS OUR JOFFREY.

Oh Ellen! Equality-based puns!

Correction: John Krasinski Lip Synching I'll Make Love To You Will Make You Drop An Egg.

I used to say I had an allergy to guitar players; I break out in a bad relationship.

Mental Abuse To Humans. I love it. Yes, I WAS an English major—how did you know?

I imagine Lohan's visit to that clinic looked something like this.

What would you think about Lindy West if I told you she was the chef behind Red Lobster's Cheddar Bat biscuits?

I eagerly await his upcoming duet song with Brad Paisley titled "Accidental homophobe"

Hahahahaha all the pissy copy editor nazis are having rage stroke in the greys right now! And no one can even see them!! Hahahahaha!! Hot goddamn, I love the new Jezebel.

YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. I'm drunk. I'm trying to find the old photobucket that has videos of my Scottie puppy sleeping in his food bowl.

My Goodness....

what, because someone came into this country illegally suddenly they don't deserve to be treated with common human decency? if they say they don't like it when you call them illegals/aliens, don't call them that - it's really fucking simple.

also, i think if getting into this country were as easy as "waiting in line",…

Immigrant who went through all the proper channels right here! I entered the US legally (originally on a student visa) and got my permanent residency and citizenship in quite literally the easiest way possible - through marriage to Mr Alleycat, a US citizen. The process is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Even with my…

Yeah, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a Blackhawks apologist (insert requisite go-Kings-go! here) but I get the impression that if she'd said, "Yeah, I'm an awesome skater and I can play," that exchange would have gone down much differently.

pppppfffffffff hahahahha

Imagine everything she says in the voice of Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time and everything is more funny.