1994 me: if i could have anyone’s face it would be Christy Turlington’s.

Good job. OCD type actions are indeed tricky.

I’m a cuticle biter. I don’t actually bite my finger nails themselves, I hate the mouth feel of biting into the hard fingernail. I actually chew my cuticles until they bleed, sometimes peeling off layers of skin at once. I hate doing it. I hate how terrible my hands look all the time, but there is something so…

Quitting biting my nails was a serious struggle. Good luck to Tom.

Good luck. These things are hard to break. I can’t stop scratching the inside of my ears, even when they don’t itch. I have stuff the doctor gave me that clears it up right away and would obviate any need to pick inside my ears, but I would rather pick the inside of my ears than not. I like it, it feels good. And…

I bite skin off the inside of my cheeks. Like, big chunks of it. Always have. Probably always will.

Women in trousers? What next? Hussies out riding bicycles!

As long as it is totally legal, I fully support executive action in this matter. The time for Congress to act passed after they did nothing in reaction to Sandy Hook. I hope he does it and I’m enjoying this senior-itisy Obama.

“...psychological break between ‘carrying around a gun and occasionally firing it at people’ and ‘I am killing someone.’”

Whenever I check in with the gun-toting nuts on my Facebook feed, their posts are all centered around the idea that gun owners are extremely responsible and competent individuals. After all, they know the technical difference between a rifle and and assault rifle, so only their opinions are valid, right? They know how…

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

I know! Right?

Omg I always get TP shame from my friends. I always have a huge stock on hand because WHY THE HELL NOT? I have a tiny apartment so I keep it in the corner of my bathroom and they’re always like, why do you have so much TP and I’m like UNLESS I DIE IT WILL GET USED, FOOLS. DO YOU NOT PEE AND POOP ARE YOU ROBOTS?

I got judged HARD by a lady at the checkout of a discount store when I bought a joke stocking stuffer (in my defense it was 1/2 price, £2,50) gift for my husband a few weeks back:

During Y2K, I was at a Sam’s Club in AL. There was an elderly woman in front of me who had cases and cases of nothing but asparagus. Not lying: when the cashier joked that she really must like asparagus, the old lady didn’t miss a beat: “If the world ends and I gotta drink my own pee, it’s by god gonna have some…

I bought three different types of yeast infection treatment, a giant bottle of wine, a tub of ice cream, and a new pair of undies at Target one night. I saw an ex with my basket full of sad lady things and then the checkout lady gave me the most judgmental look I’ve ever gotten. I signed the key pad “Yeasty…

“Donald, what’s your favorite Bible verse?”

My favorite part of that is that according to at least one of those Twitter comments, that literally is all it took.

“We love the evangelicals and we’re polling so well. This Bible was given to me by my mother, going to Sunday school. … So, we love the Bible. It’s the best. We love ‘The Art of the Deal,’ but the Bible is far, far superior, yes.”

He’s just so good at buzzwords, and so many people just need to hear the right words to go with a plan (or a campaign). He might as well have stood up there and said “Faith. Jesus Christ. So blessed. Prayers. Bible. Every Sunday.”