I bet he can only do it from behind so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge he’s having sex with a woman. Also, the woman must not show any pleasure at all. Kills the mood.

i bet his dick is really floppy and he has a hard time getting it up, and then blames you for it when he can’t do it.

Madison Bumgarner’s facial expression 99% of the time.

Madison Bumgarner And Jason Heyward’s Beef Wasn’t Really A Beef At All

The Ted Cruz part didn’t happen but the “I finally got tickets to Hamilton but I have to hold my cat the whole time” nightmare did happen. And in the dream the audience got to play on stage A LOT. And I kept having to say, you go on ahead. I have this cat sitting on my lap. I woke up VERY upset.

I can’t even get tickets to Hamilton in my dreams.

I absolutely will not. How dare you.

Nooooooooooooooooo.

Maybe before 30 Rock, but now if he tries to play any type of business man/sexy jerk, I just expect him to talk about capitlism and say, “Good god, Lemon.”

One of my best friends and I have what we call “Real Housewives Lunch” every few months - where we go somewhere fancy and order a salad wearing our fanciest jewel toned silk top and all of the jewelry we can fit on our bodies. Always a good time. Thank you for providing so much inspiration here for our next outing.

Because these woman understand the meaning of “job security.”

(crowd lustily boos lack of effort)

Highlight of my youth baseball career: playing left field when the other team’s big hitter absolutely crushed one down the line a hundred feet over my head. The left field fence was 380 feet to the pole and didn’t even belong to the baseball field, it belonged to the next field over. Ball bounced twice and somehow…

...good for blowing your load AND loading your blow.

Trojans: Now for two types of blow.

Seriously...imagine how Jackie Brown would do her lineup at the station.

On the scale of things NYU alumnis do to pay back their crippling student loans, this is solid in the middle of desperation scale.

so... how often do you fuck those chicken, Florida?