“Good God, that’s the unemployment fraud investigator’s music!”

Translation: I’m just kind of vaguely mad, red, and nude on the internet, and don’t have the ability to actually articulate a point, so I’m gonna try to coast on acting vaguely superior. So... hope that was good for you.

It’s not enough that Kirk Cousins took RG3’s job, now he’s rubbing it in by taking bad knees as well?

The park rangers near where I live have been planning a culling for this winter. We need to be down around 12 Plumlees per 100 acres and we are at an unsustainable 25 per 100. It’s outrageous.

Reporter: Tom, do you like Don Trump?

“Yesterday we did exactly what you think we did. But it wasn’t what you think. It was precisely what you thought, but we don’t do that.”

It wasn’t a vote. It was a poll. As I understand it, it made no pretense of being the actual binding process by which the winner would be decided.

This is the most delusional comment I have ever read on Deadspin.

then I assume you’re cool with the fact that your wife has taken a side job sucking cock on the weekends? I tipped well. You should have a good Christmas.

I’ve always thought that Dirk Nowitzki was born in the wrong era. Can you imagine being part of a Roman legion on the German frontier of the Empire circa 100 CE and having to take on a 7ft 245lb barbarian Dirk Nowitzki in close personal combat?

Well, at least you tried.

Damn, I’m late with this. But I suppose I can still share just how much trouble I got into as a teenager.

“Which is true? The thing we saw, or the granular, artificially enhanced, retroactive display of what actually happened? And in a football game, what defines what’s true, if not the the necessarily limited and subjective knowledge of the officials who are specifically awarded the power to interpret observed actions…

Look at the good he did for The Game Of Basketball. Before Kobe, Basketball was boring and useless. I remember watching games as a kid and crying from boredom. The players would just walk on the court and shake hands for 48 minutes while the coaches deflated as many basketballs as they could with crude knives. Unreal.…

Welcome to the Philadelphia 76ers, Ben! You’re right leg is now broken and your left ACL has exploded. If you’ll just step into this jar of amber liquid, we’ll store you here in this closet with our other big time future talents. Remember, the 2023 title is the only important one. Now breathe the liquid into your…

She was surprised to see so many Panthers’ fans sitting in our section of the stadium; that doesn’t happen much at fourth grade football games

That’s ridiculous, but why would you want to go listen to Greg Hardy speak anyway?

“Cortana, how did I do on that last play?”

Just saw this on my Facebook newsfeed.